Friday, September 21, 2012


Maybe now I'll get a little respect.

I knew my extreme polydactylism would come in handy someday.
Yesterday I announced my plan to launch a Kickstarter campaign so I could commission an artist to create a new avatar for this blog. By way of explaining the benefit of hiring a professional, I created my own illustration. Which totally had a primitive charm, bitches.

Well, one of my most loyal Drunkards, my dear friend the Half-Black Buddhist, took to my Facebook page to comment. She opined that my creation looked like the infamous botched restoration of Ecce Homo in Zaragoza, Spain.

My self-portrait, resembling Monkey Jesus? Well, I never. What an insult. What a -

Monkeys, funky eyes, slash-mouth. Huh.

Holy crap, she's right. Got the nose right and everything.

The Spirit has worked through me to transform my humble features into those of the Almighty and Badly Rendered Christ. Hallelujah, amen! Or else I subconsciously drew myself in the image of Monkey Jesus. The latter is probably super-blasphemous, so I'm going with the first thing, which sounds more miraculous and less likely to add yet another reason to the list of Why I'm Going to Hell.

Anyway, now I feel as if I should be charging you people to look at me. I should do a Kickstarter for that, and forget about commissioning an artist. No trained graphic designer is going to make me look more like Monkey Jesus than I already accomplished.

Or I should go ahead with my original plan. Then I can pull the Monkey Drunkard from view after a limited time so as to build an aura of mystery and create demand for future glimpses of the image. Like the Vatican does with the Shroud of Turin.

Good idea. That shroud has bought the Pope
a shitload of ivory back-scratchers, yo.

So much for not going to Hell.

Anyway, thank you, little Half-Black Buddhist, for revealing this truth. It's totally going to sell the Kickstarter campaign. If for no other reason than to get me to stop with the terrible Photoshopping.

All hail the Monkey Drunkard. Coming soon to a tortilla near you.

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