Friday, May 11, 2012

Google Fail, Hot Carpenter Edition

I'm supposed to be working on today's post. Instead I've spent the last hour looking for information on a carpenter.

No, not the one who wrote "Top of the World."
I'm looking for a ridiculously hot carpenter. And Google is letting me down.

Because if you Google "ridiculously hot carpenter,"
this is one of the first images that comes up.
Someone might to check their algorithms.
I'm looking for a specific ridiculously hot carpenter who currently appears on the new HGTV show "White Room Challenge." If you Google "hot HGTV carpenters," you get approximately 94 kabillion pictures of Carter Oosterhouse.

And for some reason, this picture of Andy Richter.
No offense to Carter Oosterhouse (insert joke about how his name sounds like a brand of kitchen appliances here), but the hunky handyman I'm trying to track down makes him look like dog barf. And I can't find a lick of information about him on the Web. Maybe it's because "White Room Challenge" is a pretty new show and hasn't attracted a lot of obsessive fanpeeps posting minutiae about every aspect of the program. Maybe it's because I'm the only who's noticed the jaw-dropping blonde carpenter and his, uh, tools. But I can't find a name, a picture, a screenshot, anything.

Google, you're letting me down.

The search string "carpenter on White Room Challenge"
nets you a picture of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
Precocious Daughter and I have been watching "White Room Challenge" for the past few weeks, and I think she's getting tired of hearing me say, "Oh my God, who is that ridiculously hot carpenter?" when she's trying to listen to pretentious hipsters talk about the aesthetic principles involved in making a credenza out of leaves and fruit. Or whatever. I just watch for the ridiculously hot carpenter to make an appearnce. You know, they don't spend nearly enough time letting the camera linger on those handymen. Odd, considering the huge audience of both men and women who tune in purely for ogling purposes.

My seventh-grade shop teacher would not have
considered this good shop safety.
But then, he was straight.
If you catch an episode of "White Room Challenge," look for the handyman with the long curly blonde hair. That's the one I'm talking about. I need a name, a picture, a bio, something.

I mean, I'm just interested. That's all. He just seems very...competent. Very, very, very competent. The man knows how to screw, is what I'm saying.

Get yer mind outta the gutter.
I'm just talking about this tool with the shaft and the flat head.
Stop it, I said.
I'm going to try to get a screen capture from one of the episodes and upload it. Hey, a guy's obsessed Internet following has to start somewhere, right?

But really, Google...I'm very disappointed in you. Searching for "hot HGTV carpenter" should not retrieve an image of TV personality John O'Hurley and his dog.


Anyway, that's why I'm not working on a post today.

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