Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Eating Chocolates with the Baudelaire Family

The scene: Chuck Baudelaire, Beloved Spouse, and Precocious Daughter are gathered around a heart-shaped box of chocolates that is their communal Valentine's Day gift. Let's listen in on the loving conversation that marks the family's enjoyment of this tender, bonding moment.

BS (tearing into wrapping): I'm eating this bad boy right now!

CB: I'm about to make dinner. Can't you wait?

BS: It's my candy, and I'm gonna eat it.

PD: Well, since you didn't get me or Mommy anything, it's our candy. Don't hog it.

BS (still tearing into wrapping): I got Mommy flowers.

PD: Well, you didn't get me anything.

BS: What? I didn't? Then why did you write "Thanks for the Valentine's stuff" on my card?

PD (eyes rolling wildly in their pre-teen sockets): That was sarcasm. Duh.

BS: Uh-oh, there's no key on the lid of the box. How do we know what these are? I don't want to bite into a coconut.

CB: If you get a coconut, just give it to me. (Aside: This will be carved into my tombstone.)

BS: OK, but that doesn't count as one of mine.

PD: Is this nougat? I can't eat nougat.

CB: The rectangles are usually nougat.

PD: If I get a nougat, or a caramel, or something with nuts, or something I don't like, I'll just give it to you.

BS: What the hell is this? It tastes like maple.

CB: Do you like maple?

BS: Not really. Do you want it?

CB: Do I get to pick any of my own chocolates?

BS (sighing dramatically): Fine.

PD: The coconut ones are usually wrinkly on top.

BS: Is this one wrinkly?

PD: No, it's kind of bulby.

CB: Bulby? What's bulby?

BS (to PD): This flat one is toffee. You can't have that, either. HA!

PD: Daaaaddyyyyyy!

CB: Find her a vanilla cream.

BS: But I like those.

CB: You don't have $5,000 worth of fragile metal in your mouth. Find her a cream.

BS (to CB): Here, eat this. It looks like nougat.

CB: Mmmm, it tastes like Bit-o-Honey.

PD: Like what?

CB: Bit-o-Honey. A candy bar from my childhood.

PD (after long pause): OK. I can't eat that.

CB: Tough luck.

PD: Meanie.

BS: There, we've each had two. That's enough.

CB: There are five empty spaces.

BS: What?

CB: There are five empty spaces. We didn't each have two.

BS (to PD): You mean, you had three? That's it, I'm having another one.

CB: Hey! There are five empty spaces. You two had two apiece. I had one. That's five.

BS: *stares blankly, then reaches in for another piece*

CB: Hey. You've already had two, and I'm about to make dinner. Put the lid back on.

BS (making spitting-out noises): Ugh, this one is coconut.

CB (sighing): Give it to me.

PD: No, give it to me.

CB: You've already had two pieces. Am I talking to myself?

PD (eyes rolling again, or maybe still in motion from the first time): I just want a bite. Geez. Here.

CB: Mmmm, coconut. There, now I've spoiled my dinner. I hope you're happy.

BS: What do you think this one is?

CB: Are you serious? Am I talking in the vacuum of space? Put the damn lid on the box. We're about to have dinner.

BS: Oooh, that's really good. I wonder what it is.

PD: Is it nougat?

BS: No, it's the bulby one.

PD: Is it truffle?

BS: No, I hate truffle.

PD: Who hates truffle?

BS: Truffle, gross.

PD: Can I have another one, since you did?

CB: NO. No one gets any more chocolate until after dinner. Give me the box.

BS: You don't have to make dinner right away. My stomach kind of hurts now.

Life is like a box of chocolates. There's a lot of stuff you don't like, and you have to fight for the good bits. And it's full of nuts. And sometimes you don't get what you want. But when you share it with people you love, it's oh so sweet.

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