Monday, February 13, 2012

Auntie Chuck's Tips for Romance

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

This is how I usually spend it. No, really. Really.
Valentine's Day, like all good holidays, is an excuse to eat too much, drink too much, and spend too much money for reasons only vaguely defined by the holiday itself.

And you were wondering why Columbus Day sucked so much.
When's the last time you got loaded and slept with someone
you barely knew on the 12th of October?
Unlike Columbus Day, however - which is recognized as an official holiday by the United States government - Valentine's Day is mostly recognized as a way for drugstores to boost their candy sales between Christmas and Easter. I mean, by almost any definition of the term, it's not really even a holiday. It doesn't commemorate an historical event or a religious observance, or honor a group of ragtag heroes battling incredible odds, like Alamo Day or Mother's Day. It just costs money, makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and actually benefits only a few. They may as well call it Colonoscopy Day.

Oh, like a picture of a heart is any less gross.
The best advice I can give as we approach Valentine's Day is this: Don't sweat it. If you're not romantically involved with someone, you're not "missing" Valentine's Day any more than Jews are "missing" Mardi Gras. When you find that special someone, you're not going to know it because s/he gives you a box of cheap chocolates wrapped in red cellophane. And if you are romantically involved with someone, the worst thing that person can do is try to demonstrate that his/her love for you is somehow more significant on February 14. If your relationship is awesome, it will be just as awesome on February 15. And if it's not, who needs a day of pretending it is so that all the other days suffer even more in comparison?

Here. Now shut up about how I'm not romantical.
And bring me a beer.
But if you really want to celebrate the day, Auntie Chuck has some words of wisdom. I admit, these are mostly for ladies in relationships with men. That's what I know. But guys, it won't hurt you to see things from her side for once. And same-sex couples...hell, most of you look like you're having a way better time than I am. I think you're good. Unless you're not. And then, you know, maybe we can have a nice platonic drink and moan about our lame romantic lives. Which - admit it - is what most of us, gay or straight, couple or single, spend Valentine's Day doing anyway.

Auntie Chuck's Tips for Surviving Valentine's Day (Or Any Other Day with Your Significant Other, Really)

1. Before you spend hours/days/weeks assembling a playlist of love songs that perfectly express your deep and complex feelings toward him, make sure he's not one of those guys who "don't pay any attention to the words."

2. If he's staring at you with a pensive look on his face, don't coo "What are you thinking about?" unless you're prepared to hear an answer like "tacos" or "engine additives."

3. The only romantic movie he will enjoy watching with you is Truly, Madly, Deeply. This is a fact. (Seriously, try it. You'll see.)

4. Your definition of "romantic" may not be the same as his. When you feel like responding to his feeble attempts at wooing with "Who on earth thinks this is romantic?" stop and remember that yeah, actually, he does. Even if it involves wearing beef-jerky underwear or shopping for D&D figures.

5. Valentine's Day is a horrible day to try anything new. No one wants to remember February 14th as "the day his parachute failed to open on his first jump."

6. Don't be offended if he treats Valentine's Day as the day he's definitely going to get laid. Most likely he treats every day of his life the same way.

7. If you really want sincere appreciation for your thoughtfulness and generosity, give a rose to the person in front of you at the grocery store, the crossing guard at your kid's school, or the server who has to work on Valentine's Day instead of being home with his/her signficant other.

8. Don't drink two entire bottles of champagne with dinner. Don't ask me how I know. Just don't do it, OK?

9. If you just can't have an enjoyable Valentine's Day without Godiva chocolates or live orchids, then buy yourself the goddamn things instead of expecting him to do it. You'll both be much happier.

10. Years from now (hell, days from now), you won't remember how romantic Valentine's Day was anywhere near as much as you'll remember how much fun you had. Try to have some laughs.

Oh, and one other thing...the candy you get on the day after Valentine's Day for half price tastes just as sweet. Trust me.

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