Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Imaginary Conversation with Governor Rick Perry

Hello, Governor Perry:

You don't know me, but I live in Texas, which you run, although I didn't vote for you. Since I'm a female Catholic middle-class mom and independent voter, and therefore I get absolutely no benefit from the policies of your administration, I figure we're even. No hard feelings. Uh...nice hair.

Anyway, I also write a blog called "Always Drunk." You've probably never heard of it. Almost nobody has, except a handful of loyal and very cool readers. Some of them are even Republicans. Go figure. By the way, the title comes from a poem by Charles Baudelaire. It doesn't refer to me personally. Or to you, I presume, although I don't know that for sure. Like everyone else, I saw your speech in New Hampshire in October. Be that as it may, I...what? Charles Baudelaire. He was a French poet, Gov. Perry. I know it doesn't rhyme. Trust me, it's still poetry. No, they probably don't teach kids about him in Texas public schools. He's not on the standardized tests and he's not in the Bible.

May I continue? I've written about you a few times on my blog. Your stand on  reproductive rights, for example, and immigration law, and airport security, and of course your Presidential bid. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. What? Are my posts positive and complimentary? Um, well, they're...SQUIRREL!

Over here, Gov, Perry, I'm still talking. No thanks, it's a little early in the day for a drink. Or maple syrup, but thanks. You see, I've been following your Presidential campaign avidly. Your arrogant arrival on the national scene, your smug pronouncements about God, your hilarious debate gaffes...and all the while you've been telling Americans that you'll do for them what you've done for your broke, poorly educated, corrupt, intolerant home state. You've been a gold mine for my little blog, Gov. Perry. Seriously, you've inspired some of my best work. And I appreciate it.

After the results of the Iowa caucus rolled in last night, I thought I had a surefire post lined up for today. I was going to write about how you had dropped out of the race. After all, you came in a lackluster fifth place with only 10% of the vote. You couldn't beat that big fat blowhard Newt Gingrich or fellow Texas crazy person Ron Paul. Yeah, he's nuts, isn't he? What a hoot! But Gov. Perry, things looked grim. Sure, you beat Michele Bachmann - I know, a woman running for President? I don't know, what do you think Jesus would say about that? - but big whoop. Now she's tucked tail and quit, and it sounded as if you were about to do the same. I mean, you flew home to Texas and you announced you were going to "reassess" your campaign. You do know what that word means, right? It's kind of like when Herman Cain said he would "suspend" his run. What? Yeah, the black guy. Oh, I'm not going there, Gov. Perry. Save that stuff for your own blog.

In any event, I was just about to start writing - well, as soon as my happy dance was over - when I checked the political headlines and discovered you had had a change of heart. Frankly, I didn't know you had a heart, and now you've gone and changed it. You also Tweeted this picture:

OK, that's pretty awesome. That's the nutbag Rick Perry I've become so dependent on for material. But it accompanied your decision to push on to South Carolina and continue your campaign. And that left me high and dry for a blog post today.

So I just want to say...WTF? Really, you're going to keep beating this dead horse? It's just an expression, sir. No, I don't have any proof. No, you can't search my purse. I've never even been to your ranch. Focus. The thing is, while I enjoy following your improbable bid to drive America into the ground, and I love writing about it, at some point enough is enough. The joke's gone far enough. Trust me, the late-night talk-show hosts will find something else to make fun of if you're not around. I'll find something else, too. Hell, I don't even have to do that. You'll just come back to Texas and mess with it the way you've been messing with it for ten years. I'm content with that.

In short, you kind of pissed in my Wheaties today, Gov. Perry. I don't know what to write about now. I'm disappointed in you. My readers will be disappointed that I don't have a topic, too. All six of them. No, I won't give you their names. Because I don't have to. Yes, I'm sure.

Go back to your little campaign, sir. Try to do something that will be as satisfying to write about as your quitting would have been. Maybe shoot something or try to count the number of Justices on the Supreme Court. I'll be watching. Yes, I'm sure there are nine, not eight.

Nice talking to you, Gov. Perry. You'll be hearing from me.

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