Tuesday, October 4, 2011

It's Candy! It's Corn! It's Crack in a Bag!

A co-worker told me he had seen a recipe for candy corn smoothies. I immediately Googled that shit.

 0.17 seconds? What the hell took so long, Google?
 I was enormously disappointed to learn that the candy corn smoothie does not, in fact, contain candy corn. In fact, it doesn't contain candy or corn. Instead, it's got layers of fruit and yogurt that look like the stripes on a piece of candy corn. Healthy, non-corn-syrup-filled fruit and wholesome yogurt. Crap.

Adorable, but completely inappropriate for my needs.
 At this time of year, candy corn becomes a food group. If you want to exert undue influence over me on any issue, toss a bag of Brach's Autumn Mix my way and watch my integrity dissolve like a Mellocreme pumpkin in a microwave.
Which I'm absolutely going to try when I get home.
The very best candy corn comes in Autumn Mix. I'm talking of course about the kind with the brown layer on the bottom.

There is drool on my monitor. You need to know that.
 The traditional yellow-bottomed candy corn is great stuff, but it's definitely second runner-up in the Miss Autumn Mix pageant. Its ruminations on world peace were uninspired, and it needed more double-sided tape during the swimsuit portion. To put it another way, Jose Carerras was the yellow-bottomed candy corn of The Three Tenors.

After "Mellocreme" Pavarotti and "Brown-Bottom" Domingo.

Now that we're getting close to Halloween, Brach's Autumn Mix and its orange fondant of temptation is everywhere. Including my candy jar. I try to eat it in small amounts. And I completely fail. Because it's SO DAMN YUMMY.

It is the reason the word "nom" was invented. Really. No, really.
 So you can have your so-called candy corn smoothie. I want chewy orange pumpkins and tooth-rotting triangles of bliss in a two-pound bag. And I will mow you down to get them. Addiction is an ugly thing.

 P.S. Someone needs to go to this website and make me these:

If you do, I'll make you a candy corn smoothie. I will. What kind of corn do you like?

1 comment:

  1. The only way to resist is to share a bowl of above mentioned treat with 3 pre teens!!!!!


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.