To All the Children of the World, I Am So Sorry

So I'm sitting here checking the old blog stats. I just got a hit from Ukraine. Hello, Ukraine!

MC Hammer totally ripped you guys off.

I casually mentioned to Beloved Spouse that I'm revered in Ukraine. (Hey, it could happen.) He replied, "They're probably using your blog to teach English to elementary school kids."

That's a horrifying thought.

"Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! The answer is 'Dick Perry'!"

Although my English is impeccable, my intentions are ungrammatically subversive. I don't want to be responsible for starting a revolution - unless I might get a statue out of it. That would be cool.


Make sure you get my good side.

Here's my message to the children of Ukraine: Children of Ukraine, do not use me as a role model. Not all Americans are like me. Some of them actually lead useful, productive lives and think before they commit their bilious thoughts to the Internet. I can't think of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure they're out there. If you find one, let me know.

If I were a good role model for someone learning English in an Eastern European country, I certainly wouldn't say (impeccably, of course) that this morning BelSpouse and I decided that it would be really cool to make a porno about the sex lives of American Presidents, and that it could feature Groper Cleavage and Hairy Ass Truman. And Bill Clinton.

That's good grammar, but bad...uh, just about everything else.

When the Ukrainians invite me to their country to unveil my statue, I want to be able to go with my head held high. So please, learn from my mad English skillz, but don't adopt my shamelessly irreverent attitude or repeat my blistering polemic.

But if you wanted to put me on a t-shirt, Che Guevara-style, I'd probably be down with that. As long as I got a cut of the profits.

Thank you, Ukraine! Я приймаємо кредитні картки!