Sunday, August 14, 2011

I Know What You're Thinking, You Sickos

One of the coolest things about writing this blog - apart from the millions of dollars and the worldwide fame and who the hell do I think I'm kidding? - is (are?) the statistics I get from Blogger. I can see how many people are reading my posts (not many), where they're located (hello, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines!), and which posts are most popular (generally it's a tie between none of them). I can check these factoids whenever I want, and overall it's made me a lonely, bitter stat-whore.

Artist's rendering.
I can also see the search terms that bring people to Always Drunk. So if you were to Google, say, "Mr. Burns with long fingernails like Howard Hughes," this very post might come up in the search results, probably after more relevant hits for mental health facilities and restraining orders. And if you then clicked through to see the lovely copyrighted image above (Fair Use Law, people, look it up), I would see that you had done so. Unfortunately, I can't trace that trail back to a specific reader, so the two dozen roses and large cashier's check I might otherwise have sent you will have to stay with me.

Because the Internet is anonymous, see. And private. I totally can't see that someone awesome from Guelph, Ontario, Canada visited Always Drunk on July 21, for example. Or that my readers in Sweden look at 20% more posts than the average visitor.

I love you guys. *snif*

Anyway, we all look for some crazy shit on the Internet sometimes. And sometimes the terms that bring people here are, uh, interesting. Basically, you people are deviants. But hey, I'm grateful for anything that drives traffic to my little corner of the World Wide Web. And after all, if you search for something like "half gallon absolut vodka price" and end up on Always Drunk, it means that at some point I probably searched the same thing to put it here. So I'm enabling your bizarre curiosity.

I'm so proud of all of us.

The all-time most popular search term that leads people to this blog is "baby snakes." Apparently this is something people can't see enough of. Here, that term will take you to this post, which coincidentally is called "Baby Snakes" and features a bunch of adorable photos of just that. It happens to be one of my most-viewed pages ever, which means that people must really like infant reptiles or obscure Frank Zappa movies.

The second most popular search term is "boobs and guns." Seriously. I typically see this term several times a week in my stats. I don't know what you people are expecting to see when you search for boobs and guns, but on this blog it takes you to a post about dumb laws introduced in the Texas legislature. Yes, it does picture a photo illustration that matches the description, although mostly the term "boobs and guns" is descriptive of our legislators' attempts to arm every citizen in Texas so we can all shoot each other to death, which is supposed to make us safer. I suppose some folks are disappointed when they arrive here, but I figure a lot of people are disappointed when they arrive here, whether they're looking for breasts and firearms or just good writing.

Often I'll see a spike in popular search terms according to what's a hot topic at the moment. "Jesus receipt" brought a number of visitors to this post about a South Carolina couple who saw an image of Christ on a thermal Walmart receipt. Or when Clarence Clemons passed away, I saw a number of visits to my tribute to the Big Man based on searches for his name. That included some folks who apparently wanted to see "Clarence Clemons drunk," which was perhaps a bit disrespectful to a man who had just freaking died.

Come to think of it, having the word "drunk" in the title of this blog does bring me a certain level of readership from people who desperately want to see images of famous people inebriated. They're always disappointed, because I don't have any pictures like that. But it does get them here so they can be disappointed in the blog on its own lack of merit. And that's a good thing. Still, I'd like to issue a blanket apology to anyone who lands here after searching for "Charlie Sheen drunk," "Anthony Weiner drunk," or "Steven Tyler drunk," all of which would be cool but can't be found here.

What you can find here are pictures of celebrities with Siamese cats, and many of you have come here looking for just that. I really have no idea which posts are going to be popular when I write them, and a lot of times I only put together a post so that I have easy access to the topic myself. One day I wanted to see a bunch of pictures of famous people who liked meezers, so I found some and posted them for my own amusement. Well, if the Internet is good for anything it's for letting you know that you have never had an original thought in your life. I get hits from folks who are searching for John Lennon with a Siamese, Elizabeth Taylor with a Siamese, James Dean with a Siamese, or just celebrities and cats in general. Cats do rule the Internet, and I thank the photographers whose images I've ripped off for helping me create one of my perennially most popular posts.

Maybe I should start randomly peppering Always Drunk with hit-magnet words to boost readership. I spend a lot of time thinking up humorous and relevant titles for my posts, but perhaps that's the wrong strategy. If I could work the word "scrotum" into every post, would that bring more eyeballs here? Or "Justin Bieber"? Or "Justin Bieber's scrotum"? Um, possibly there are some demographics I don't care to tap into. Scratch that scrotum.

In conclusion, thanks to everyone who reads this blog, however you get here. Even if you came here looking for this:

Give it a minute. It'll come to you.


  1. Great, now I feel inferior because I'm not getting your dumb-ass beer joke. :-P

  2. tapped that ass, uh huh.

  3. (giggling like a rabid baboon) (also assuming baboons giggle when they contract rabies because I really have no idea) I've recently become a bit of a stat whore myself. I don't have very many mislead searches just yet, but someday I hope to be found by something like "midget ninja squirrel porn boxing with lemonade nachos". And maybe we'll get super lucky and you'll be found by that term as well because it's in your comments now.
    You're welcome.


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