Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Can't Even Raise My Arms in Protest

Today I'd like to wage war against a consumer product that has failed me.

I bought Lady Speed Stick for the first time recently, because it was on clearance. Today's consumer tip: Don't buy clearance-rack deodorant. Resign yourself to the fact that it's one of those products for which you really should pay more to get the best available. Like condoms. Or home spinal-surgery kits.

This thing didn't even come with a scalpel.
Now, I'm not one of those Picky Patties who expects perfection from every product she buys. I know there's a certain amount of apple-polishing and cheerful bald-face lying that goes on in advertising.

Does not cause crown to appear on head when eaten.
 But after years of being duped by Madison Avenue, I've come to have pretty low expectations regarding consumer products. I want my orange juice to contain the juice of oranges. I want my paper towels to perform similarly to regular towels if they were made of paper. And I want my bagged salad to be relatively free of frogs.

Eh, close enough.
 In that spirit, I expect two things from an anti-perspirant/deodorant. As the name suggests, it should keep me from sweating and stinking. Or "control wetness and odor," as the commercials say so archly, as if viewers of "Teen Mom 2" were too delicate and refined to be exposed to such base concepts.

Unfortunately, Lady Speed Stick has managed to disappoint even these simple expectations. It doesn't work, is what I'm saying. When I'm wearing Lady Speed Stick, you can bet that by the end of the day, I'll be both sweating and stinking. This is not my goal when I head out every morning. It's not that I mind offending people. I just don't want to do it with my armpits.

Not when I can do it by posting pictures like this.
 As for Lady Speed Stick's claim on the package that it also "fights yellow stains," I can't comment. I prefer to wash my garments before they have a chance to accumulate any kind of bilious crust on their surfaces. Maybe if I didn't do that, like, ever, Lady Speed Stick would magically prevent nasty pit stains from ravaging my shirts and blouses. Although, since it can't even keep me from sweating in an air-conditioned office when I'm wearing a sleeveless dress, I think I'll keep doing things my way.

Bottom line: I'm boycotting Lady Speed Stick in all sizes, scents, and price points. I think this will send a strong message to Mennen, the manufacturer of Lady Speed Stick, that it can't just mess around with the underarms of one bitchy woman with a little-read blog. My pits and I will fight back, even if it costs a multinational corporation upwards of 12 cents in profit. I'm willing to go there to make a point. I'm not trying to bring the company to its knees, mind you, although that would serve them right, as it would bring their noses approximately to the level of my undeodorized  armpits. I just want my voice to be heard.

If this boycott works, look for me to wage war on other underperforming products. I plan to start with the very misleadingly named Spotted Dick.

You totally can't microwave this stuff.

1 comment:

  1. We had that same doctor kit when my kids were younger. My daughter used to take the blood pressure of my wrist all the time because that's the only part of my body it would fit around.
    She also used to wrap us in toilet paper if she thought we had a boo-boo.


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