Monday, April 25, 2011

Honest-to-Goodness Real News

Sometimes I can't make up better stuff than reality.  And sometimes, thankfully, I don't have to.  Here are some actual headlines that caught my eye today:

Candle Recall:  Millions Pulled From Stores Over Fire Risk
But what about the millions that may already have been sold to unsuspecting consumers?  How many fires have already been caused by nothing more than the application of a match or lighter to a wax-impregnated wick?  And who will tell my relatives that it's no longer funny to put one candle for every damn year on my birthday cake?

Student Says Frat Forced Him to Dress As a Pimp
He wants to call attention to the problem of college hazing.  But mostly he just wants to return to the quiet dignity of his Ed Hardy T-shirt, baggy shorts, and beer helmet.

Bullying Hits Parents, Too
The headline writer's first draft, "Bullying Stuffs Parents in Lockers, Too," was considered not very tactful.

Alcohol Energy Drink Under Fire
I'm not sure, but this may be a recipe.  If so, be sure to punch a couple of holes in the can first so it doesn't blow up.  Then chug it.

Rays, Red Sox, Cards Streaking After Slow Start
It took a while for fans to warm up to nude base-running, but attendance has really soared since they added cattle prods. 

Brain Examiner Wants Trump, Others to Donate
Brain examiner clarifies:  No, now.

Most Mall Escalators Lack Full State Inspections
The Boston Globe's front-page story.  Be sure to read tomorrow's equally gripping expose, "Most Mall Cops' Uniforms Lack Full Butt Coverage."

Welcome to the Future, Where Robots Park Your Car
Always tip robot valets, or they'll leave an oily surprise in your glovebox.

U.S. Default: Unthinkable Is Pondered
Turns out it wasn't as hard as they thought.  Next they'll take up the longstanding challenge of so-called unbeatable prices.  A solution to insoluble fiber can't be far behind.

End Coming for Releases of Wastewater
"Is this really an important enough story for Page 1?" "I don't know, but look how many disgusting innuendoes I can put into one headline!"

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