Friday, April 29, 2011

A Compelling Solution to the Birther Controversy

I've mostly been paying attention to William and Kate's wedding for the last few weeks, so I'm a bit out of the loop.  But apparently there's been some thoughtful, informed debate on the question of President Obama's citizenship recently.


Nope, couldn't do that line with a straight face. I owe someone five bucks.

Let me start again:  Apparently a thousand paranoid schizophrenic chimps with a thousand Internet connections have been busy producing Hamlet.  Only in this version the King of Denmark is a closet Muslim, and instead of poetic soliloquies, the title character spouts half-literate bile about birth certificates and Photoshop. 

"...thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus
BANANAS BANANAS BANANAS I just shit myself ook-ook."
Honestly, I'm not sure why there's any question about where the President of the United States was born.  Perhaps someone should ask Hillary Clinton about it - after all, it was an e-mail circulated by her supporters during the 2008 election campaign that started the whole "birther" controversy.  But who am I to argue with a movement that has such sterling bi-partisan credentials?

The White House has now released President Obama's birth certificate, which hasn't satisifed anyone, because clearly a document that is accepted by the U.S. Department of State as proof of citizenship for the purpose of issuing a passport is a lying piece of crap that a true American wouldn't use to wipe himself after a particularly thorough TSA pat-down. 

What puzzles me is why no one has simply drawn a bit of the President's blood to test it for citizenship.  If his blood tests positive for Kenyan, that should put the matter to rest, right?  I think there are labs that will do it for a reasonable fee.  Feel free to Google that.  I'll wait. 
I'll be humming this.
Actually, I've been doing some Googling of my own (it tickles), and I think I've found an even better solution.  All we have to do is get a qualified witch to cast a truth spell on the President.  I mean, you can't just force him to 'fess up on his own - there's a Constitutional amendment about it and everything, you should look it up - but there's no law against using witchcraft to compel him to speak the truth (not even in Massachusetts, which has been plagued by both witches and liberals throughout its history).

So I found a Truth Compelling Spell at, which specializes in such things.  It also features spells to obtain money, get rid of warts, and give someone the mind of a frog, and I plan to try out all of those later, believe me.  But the spell to make someone tell the truth seems pretty simple, really.  You just need some thyme, a couple of candles, some parchment paper, and of course a quantity of Compelling Oil, which you can mix up yourself or order online.  Very convenient.

All I have to do now is find a witch who is capable and willing to work her magic on the President.  I wouldn't presume to try it myself; determining someone's citizenship is better left to professionals than to ignorant yahoos.  I might say the incantation wrong and accidentally turn Mr. Obama into a citizen of some other country altogether.  Or the spell might backfire and give me the mind of a frog, which clearly has already happened to some of the people involved in the birther movement.  Better safe than sorry.

So if you're a practicing witch, or know someone who is, please consider lending your talents to this important cause. You would be doing a great service to America, not to mention people who have nothing to do until the final Harry Potter movie comes out.  Also, I see there's a spell for ridding oneself of "psychic vampires."  Please cast that one a few times, too.  We'll see if it works on Donald Trump for a start.

Random but funny image.
If that doesn't work, try Furnunculus (look it up, Harry Potter fans).

1 comment:

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.