Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Feel So Smart Right Now

I am on top of the world tonight, folks.  My finances are shaky, the winter has been harsh, things have been a little tense between Beloved Spouse and me lately, and my dog just threw up in the living room.  But right now, I feel like a winner.  Because I am not Christopher Lee.

We will destroy the Jedi, or conquer
Middle Earth, or something
No, not the legendary British actor.  I'm talking about Chris Lee, who until five o'clock today was a Republican Congressman from New York.

Only one of these is his official Congressional portrait
Now he's just another unemployed cheating douchebag who sends shirtless photos of himself to women he met on Craigslist.  That's right:  not Ashley Madison, not Arrangement Seekers, not Adult Friend Finder or Be Naughty or No Strings Attached (yes, these are all real firms that will help you find that special extramarital someone if you're a complete asshole).  Not any of these, but fucking Craiglist.  I'm not sure I'd even put my socks in a dresser that some stranger advertised on Craigslist.  Yet the former Representative Lee was not only trolling for The Thang but e-mailing cellphone pictures of his legislative body to said Thang.

Proving that not all politicians are accomplished liars, the object of his affections quickly figured out that her Casanova of the classifieds was not actually a male model and part-time Chippendale dancer.  In a shocking twist, as soon as she discovered that that lumpy physique belonged to a married U.S. Congressman, the woman went to the media, which broke the story as soon as they cleaned up the milk they'd all snorted out of their noses.  And within hours, the Republican majority in Congress had lost one of its most impressive male racks.

I may not be rich, or powerful, or able to control the Empire through the dark powers of the Force.  But today, thanks to the boneheaded actions of Chris Lee, I feel like one of the smartest people in America.  And Mr. Lee - thank you for not shooting your junk.

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