In Today's Headlines

To help my readers stay up on current events, I present these annotated items from the Jaunary 30, 2011 edition of The Dallas Morning News.  (Credit goes to my Beloved Spouse for inspirinig today's post and providing the first item.)

"Obama's New Slogan Not Winning Over Republican Critics"
He should have seen it coming when he chose "Fuck Republicans" as his new slogan.

"[Afghanistan] Set to Ban Use of Boys as Sex Slaves to Military Chiefs"
Afghanistan is being surprisingly proactive with this ban.  The United States has yet to pass a law against military commanders buying young boys at auction and keeping them as cross-dressing sex toys. 

"I'm not a fan of Jesus at all, but I still go to Chick-fil-A maybe once a week." 
A San Antonio man, commenting either on the growing backlash against Chick-fil-A by gay rights advocates, or on the company's new advertising campaign, "Konvurt Mor Homoz."

"Old Mystery Consumes Man"
Personally, I think Old Mystery is kind of a strange name for a boa constrictor.

"Poll: Most Texans to Watch Super Bowl, Like Entertainment"
Poll respondents also indicated they plan to "drink, like fish" until they "throw up, like a sorority pledge during rush week."

"Labrador Named Most Popular Dog - Again"
Some of us over in the headline writing department have had it up to here with the goddamn Labrador already.

"Mexican Soldiers Find Drugs Stashed on Plane"
The drugs were right there in the overhead compartment where their dealer had stashed them, although there was a moment of frenzied searching before the soldiers realized the contents had shifted during the flight and the stuff was behind some dude's duffel bag.

"Mother Says She Killed Her Teens for Being 'Mouthy'"
This is a terrible tragedy, of course.  You can't kill your children for talking back.  But as a behavior modification tool, there might be real value in learning to crack your knuckles while saying "You're bein' mouthy again" in a creepy Jack Nicholson voice.