Friday, January 7, 2011

A Day in the Life of God's Administrative Assistant

Excerpts from the inbox of peggy@heaven.org

From: The Boss (yhwh@heaven.org)
Date:  Thursday, January 6, 2011, 08:14 a.m.
To:  Peggy
Subject:  FW: 2011 Projections

Peggy:
Can you open this attachment? I keep getting an error message.
Y


From:  Peggy (peggy@heaven.org)
Date:  Thursday, January 6, 2011, 08:29 a.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Re: FW:  2011 Projections

Here you go.  I converted it to the earlier version of Excel.  You really need to upgrade to Office 2010.

BTW, I glanced at the spreadsheet.  Looks like Thomas copied over a bunch of the formulas again.  Might want to touch base with him before you do too much with these numbers.

Peggy


From: The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2011, 08:37 a.m.
To: Peggy
Subject: Re:  Re:  FW: 2011 Projections

Will do.  Thx.
Y


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From: The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2011, 9:12 a.m.
To: Peggy
Subject: Leaving Up Christmas Decorations Until Epiphany

Peggy:
Are people doing this?  It doesn't seem like too much to ask, and it's a pretty basic part of what the celebration is all about for Christians.  I haven't seen any figures lately, pls check it out.
Y


From:  Peggy
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2011, 9:20 a.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject: Re: Leaving Up Christmas Decorations Until Epiphany

Some do, some don't.  It may be a regional thing more than anything else. And I'm sure they don't do it much in Israel lol.  I've got a Seraph looking at the actual statistics, though.  Will let you know later today.

Was there a specific reason you wanted to know?

Peggy


From:  The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 6, 2011, 9:30 a.m.
To: Peggy
Subject: Re: Re: Leaving Up Christmas Decorations Until Epiphany

||Was there a specific reason you wanted to know?

Not really.  I just get tired of seeing all those discarded Christmas trees starting December 26, next to the huge piles of boxes and wrapping paper.  Wondering how Walmart can get people to line up in the cold for six hours to buy an off-brand TV, yet we can't seem to maintain a 2000 yr old tradition about the birth of the frigging Savior.  Just cranky, I guess.  That reminds me:  Weren't we going to switch to decaf this year?
Y


From:  Peggy
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 9:34 a.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Re: Re: Re: Leaving Up Christmas Decorations Until Epiphany

I don't think taking away your caffeine would be a good idea.  :)
Do you want me to add the Epiphany thing as an agenda item for the staff meeting?

Peggy


From:  The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 9:38 a.m.
To: Peggy
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Leaving Up Christmas Decorations Until Epiphany

Already did it.  Thx.
Y


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From: The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 11:52 a.m.
To: Peggy
Subject: Contact Info for John Boehner

See attached and save to your contacts.  New Speaker of the House for the US.  Expect his number to come up on caller ID frequently.
Y


From: Peggy
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 11:55 a.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Re:  Contact Info for John Boehner

OK.  Will put him in eternal voice mail when he calls.

Peggy


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From: Peggy
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 1:22 a.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject: Are you back from lunch?

If you're in the office, Satan was just here looking for you.  I told him you were at lunch (actually true this time!), and he got pretty mad.  Did you have a meeting you forgot to put on the calendar?  Anyway, will text you in case you're still out.

Peggy


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From:  Peggy
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 3:04 p.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Problem

I don't mean to criticize, but some of these new angels don't know what they're doing.  There's a guy in Africa who's trying to smite all the elephant poachers.  I told him we don't work that way playing favorites with the animals, but of course he won't listen to me.  But he keeps missing and killing big groups of birds and fish instead, and people are starting to talk.  We're going to get the "God's wrath" rap if we don't reign this guy in, IMHO.  Just a thought.

Peggy


To:  Peggy
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 3:21 p.m.
From: The Boss
Subject:  Re: Problem

I made some calls.  Most people are pinning it on climate change, not us.  But thanks for the heads-up.
Y


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To:  Peggy
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 4:26 p.m.
From: The Boss
Subject:  Is this true???

I just got an e-mail saying that Barack Obama is described in the Bible as the Antichrist.  I thought we decided to leave that out.  Can you check?
Y


To:  The Boss
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 4:40 p.m.
From:  Peggy
Subject: Re: Is this true???

*Sigh.*  I can't believe that's still going around.  Snopes.com busted that one a long time ago.  I keep telling you not to even open those forwarded emails.  One of these days you're going to lose your temper and fulfill a prophecy you're not proud of.

Peggy

P.S.  I found the notes of your meeting with John from 70 A.D.  You decided to hold off on identifying the Antichrist at that time.  It was the same meeting where you told him to leave the "s" off the Book of Revelation.  Not that it did much good.


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From:  Peggy
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 5:16 p.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Phone msg

John Boehner just called.  I think he was crying.  I put him in your voice mail.

Peggy


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From: The Boss
Date: Thursday, January 06, 2011, 5:36 p.m.
To:  Peggy
Subject: Before you go

If you haven't left for the day yet, can you come to my office?  I'm about to throw this damn computer across the room.  I promise to upgrade to Office 2010 tomorrow if it will let me print this document without the formatting getting all screwed up.  Thx.
Y

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From:  Peggy
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 5:53 p.m.
To:  The Boss
Subject:  Epiphany

I finally heard back from the Seraphim.  Not good news on Epiphany.  12% of Christians take down their Christmas decorations on December 26, 63% take them down by January 1, and only 6% leave them up until January 6.  Also, 58% think the 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days before the holiday, not after.  Looks like we're not getting the word out.

Also, I just got a message that one of members of the US Congress asked for you help proving that Obama wasn't born in America. 

Any thoughts?

Peggy


To:  Peggy
Date:  Thursday, January 06, 2011, 6:00 p.m.
From:  The Boss
Subject: Re: Epiphany

Christ, it's going to be a long year.
Y

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