1. Mr. Trump stands 6'3" inches tall. Without his hair, he is 5'9". If his height were proportional to his weight, he would be 6'11.5".
2. The J in Donald J. Trump stands for Jermajesty. Singer Jermaine Jackson named his fourth child after Mr. Trump, who subsequently legally changed his middle name to John to avoid being mistaken for the 16-year-old African-American girl.
3. Mr. Trump is 40% German, 40% Scot, and 20% indigenous American traffic cone on his mother's side.
|Rare candid photo of "Grams."|
4. If all of Mr. Trump's money were laid end to end, he would order anyone who touched it to be shot dead.
5. Mr. Trump is 56 inches around at his widest point, comparable to a mature Douglas fir tree or a slightly underinflated beach ball.
6. Many people claim that Mr. Trump's mouth looks like a human anus. Actually, it more closely resembles the toothed suction cup of a large squid.
|Or, you know, it could be debatable.|
8. Mr. Trump will never lie to the American people. We know this because he said so, and he never lies to the American people. He said so. So he can't be lying about never lying, because he will never lie. He said.
9. If you're worried about Mr. Trump's ties to Russia or indebtedness to China, don't be. It's fine.
10. Just remember that everything will be OK as long as the media don't publish pictures of his multiple chins. If that happens the world will be plunged into chaos. And he's asked them nicely not to, so we're all set.
I hope this unbiased, factual post has helped you feel strong and confident about the upcoming transition of power from a strong, respected American President to Donald Trump. Because it's all good, America.
The facts are clear.