This week I left work early three out of five days to make sure Precocious Daughter got where she needed to be after school. (Which I can do because I get to work every single day after dropping her off at 7:00 a.m. band practice.)
I accompanied her to a college fair and stood in line and helped her ask questions of prospective universities.
I bought her a stupidly expensive letter jacket, because I never earned one and am super-proud that she has.
This morning she told me who her role model is.
It's a former in-law (my ex's sister) who for more than 20 years treated me with contempt and acted like my superior. She's a corporate lawyer and has made a crap-ton of money. Most likely she will pay cash for her son's college education and not need to make him hustle for scholarship money (unlike me).
And she is PDaughter's role model.
And when I subsequently tried to tell my supposed significant other Drummer Boy that I was feeling upset and inadequate, he told me it was because I drink too much. Even though I was fucking stone-cold sober through the entire episode.
I've been crying all day, except for the 20 minutes I spent on the phone with my mom, whose birthday is today. I love my mom. I would never dream of insulting her.
When you've tried hard to be a good mom and discover you've failed to earn your child's respect, that's tough.
When you've entrusted your heart and soul to someone and he boils your existence down to your alcohol consumption, that's also tough.
Also, no fucking body at my job respects me, so I'm either going to find a new job or commit to being miserable for the next 10 years.
I can't wait to own my own life and not be dependent on the opinions of anybody else. Or kill myself and be equally free of others.
So long, you guys.