Tuesday, December 23, 2014

A Visit from St. Chuckolas

'Twas two nights before Christmas, and all through the blog
Not a creature was stirring, except for this frog.

The stockings were hung on the banner with care
For all the good Drunkards by Chuck Baudelaire.
Some links were embedded all snug in the text
(They're NSFW - you can use them to sext!)
And Chuck, with some liquored-up eggnog on tap,
Had fired up Netflix to watch holiday crap.
The TV competed with PDaughter's chatter,
Both rising in volume to see who could get madder.
And then an idea came to Chuck like a flash!
Something nice she could do that would cost her no cash!
She'd been wracking her brain for a way she could show
How she loved all her Drunkards, so that they would know
And not have to wonder, because it was clear:
They'd helped her survive a most turbulent year.
So like Minnie Driver, all lively and quick,
She found a beloved Christmas poem she could nick.
More rapid than bad puns her verses they came,
And she called out her Drunkards to thank them by name:

"Now, Raghead! Now, Jeneral! Now, ChrisAndBekS!
On Rachel, Michelle, and on Riley's Mom, yes!
On sweet Simoree, such a talented flutist,
And of course there's Samantha, my dear Half-Black Buddhist!
Now, Allie and SuzyQ, Gigi and Kerry,
And Christopher Waldrop, who makes me so merry!
Miss Othmar, and Julie, and Andie, and Logan,
And Trips, Southside Shelly, JB, and Seth Rogen.*
And Laurel (the Cisco Kid's what I call you)
And the Hawk, for the great Facebook cover you drew!
And Angel the Alien, Pablo, and Joy,
Daddy dear, Bestest Friend, and my sweet Drummer Boy!
There are so many more I've neglected to call,
But I love every one - Christmas monkeys to all!"

Chuck was so overcome with the feels she was feeling,
She couldn't go on with the poem she was stealing.
She fell back in her chair, took the TV off pause,
And watched Edmund Gwenn play the best Santa Claus.
But she made sure to say, as she poured some more nog,
"Merry Christmas, Dear Drunkards! Thanks for reading my blog!"

- Chuck
(with apologies to Clement Moore)

*Seth Rogen does not, as far as I know, read my blog. I'll make that a New Year's resolution. But just in case...loved you in Knocked Up, man.


  1. I simply adore you, Chuck. Your blog has helped me in some of my dark moments, has tugged at my heartstrings and reminded me I'm human, and has made me laugh at the silliest things (all hail Monkey Monday! ). I'm glad I finally got to mee you and PD, and I hope we get to hang out some more.

    Happy Christmas! Love you bunches! <3

  2. I'm on the float!! Merry Christmas, darling!

  3. Last Chuckmas I gave her my heart
    The very next day she gave it away
    This year, to save me from tears
    I'll give it to nobody.

    Because people without hearts are *dead*, George Michael, you berk.

  4. Oh, Chuck...we have shared some good...make that great times! So happy to call you a friend! <3


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