One Week and (Wearily) Counting

Election Day is one week away!!!

Thank God.

Democracy iz exzawstin.

The best thing to come out of the mega-storm in the Northeast - besides hearing that my loved ones are all safe and the worst seems to be past - is that news of Hurricane Sandy has all but obliterated campaign coverage for the last couple of days. And for that I say: Thank you, Mother Nature. And/or Jesus. And/or converging high-pressure systems in the upper atmosphere.

I love you all.

I'm tired of this campaign. I think Election Night is going to be exciting and dramatic - and hey, how does a live blog on my Facebook page sound for next Tuesday? - but I wish everyone would just shut up until then. Which, thanks to Sandy, everyone kind of has.

I mean, hasn't everything been said? Haven't the arguments been laid out, chewed up, and spit out? Hasn't Donald Trump made his moronic announcement and been thoroughly derided? If any voters truly remain undecided at this point, I think a few days of quiet reflection are what they need, not more buckets of pundit-vomit dumped over their heads at this late date.

That being said, I believe that certain policy points may have been neglected during this long campaign. I can only hope that whoever wins on November 6 (personally, I favor the black guy, but you can vote for the Mormon autocrat if you are so moved) will take action on the following underserved issues once he takes office.

1. America needs an immediate ban on ironic mustache iconography.

You, sir, have no respect for serious facial hair.

2. Halloween costumes for pets should be heavily taxed. Like, take the cigarette tax and triple it. We need deterrence here, people.

Please euthanize me.

3. Regardless of any other educational reforms are put in place, all high school students should be required to take at least one class in logic and rhetoric, so that we never again have to listen to arguments like this: "The merits of continuing corn subsidies will continue to be debated, with far-reaching implications to both the energy and agricultural sectors. AND THAT'S WHY AMERICA IS DOOMED, YOU ASSHATS!"

4. Ban tobacco sales and legalize marijuana. America will be more awesome for it.

We need more awesomeness in America.

5. Bite the bullet and replace your/you're and to/too/two with "ur" and "2," respectively. I'm tired of fighting.

There are the issues. Now get out and VOTE, America! And if you're not in America, thanks for your patience while we whale the crap out of each other here in the name of democracy.