Monday, May 30, 2016

Bean Update #3

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

It's been perfect bean-growing weather here in Baudelairistan. Meaning, lots of sun, lots of rain, and no pesky bean-chomping insects venturing up to the fourth floor to dine upon my sproutlings.

As a result, my five bean plants are growing like weeds, only better, because they're BEANS.

Five days ago in this very space, I posted this picture:

Here's what they look like right now:

Five days, people. We had several rounds of showers/storms yesterday, and I almost brought my pot o' garden inside because after the first few dousings, my beanie-babies were looking a bit waterlogged. I decided to leave them to the elements, because after all, if they were farm-raised beans they'd totally have to put up with whatever Mother Nature dished out, right?

Turned out to be a good call. As you can see, they've roughly doubled in size since last Wednesday. In fact, when I come around the corner of my apartment building, I can now see their little leafy heads poking up over the top of their container. In my world, that's almost as good as a friendly face greeting you when you get home.

Nothing beats a happy Bean.
I'll have another update in five days. BTW, beans take roughly two months to bear, uh, fruit(?), so do the math. You'll be seeing these updates well into summer, unless my typical gardening skills take over and I kill them before then. Plan your life accordingly.

Finally, war is hell and imperialism is stupid, but human lives are precious, and I salute the service members who gave theirs in the line of duty. May we always remember that your sacrifice is nobler than the conflict that claimed you.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016


So as many of you know, my page admin Tabitha was recently eaten by wild pigs.

Wild pigs are totally punk rock, you guys.
I'm...OK, I'm not too sad about Tabitha's demise. She was a bitch. Our relationship was unhealthy. I'm trying really hard to shed myself of unhealthy relationships.

(Aside: I saw my almost-ex last night at our Precocious Daughter's Spring band concert. With one sentence he shattered my emotional equilibrium and sent me running for vodka, which I had in recent weeks quietly abandoned. Unhealthy relationships are hard to leave behind, you guys.)

Where was I? Oh, yes, my toxic, recently deceased page admin.

I've been looking for a replacement for Tabitha, because I'm a freaking train wreck and need someone to look after my social media presence, even if it's someone who hates my guts.

Self love is a thing. I'm working on it.

Anyway, I've unearthed three finalists for the position of page admin. I'd really appreciate your input into the final, successful candidate.

First, there's Kimi Fierce.

Kimi is smart and tough. She says she's an expert at "technomological stuff," so that gives her an edge, amiright? She drank a 64 oz. bubble tea while we interviewed and giggled every time she popped a tapioca bubble with her teeth. Also, she asked me if I was into "hentai and/or reptile porn." Is that a red flag? I don't know.

Second, we have Alfredo Mangliomongliotorre.

Big Al, as he likes to be called, says he invented MySpace and the Monongahela River, and I simply don't have time to vet these claims. I mean, he seems legit, but on the other hand, I have a thing about Italian-Americans and don't necessarily practice discernment or discretion when it comes to their attempts to woo me.

Finally, we have Anyatta Sorpresa-Jones. I like her, Drunkards.

She takes zero shit and told me she wouldn't put up with my "female white blogger complex." I don't know what that means, but I'm good with it. I think.On the other hand, she made several references to "fighting the power" during our initial interview. I don't know if I'm the power. I hope I'm not. But I'm not sure.

What do you think? Is one of these fine individuals my new page admin? Should I require a writing sampling before making my choice? Because I can do that if you think it's best.

Let me know.

Bean Growing (See What I Did There?)

Real post coming later, you guys.

But I thought you might like an update on MY BEANS.

I have five bean plants growing in a pot on my balcony.

On Saturday they looked like this:

Four days later, they look like this:

My bean plants are kicking ass! At this rate, I figure they'll be about eight feet tall by Independence Day. Give or take.

I'm so thrilled to have not killed my little sproutlings - even Meenie, my special-needs bean, is thriving.

I reckon I'll have enough beans to feed the entire Internet. Assuming this episode of remarkable (and uncharacteristic) green thumbery continues. Does anyone know who the patron saint of beans is? I might to say a novena or something.

More pictures coming as my babies grow.