Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Adorable Animals, Ranked

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Welcome to today’s presentation of adorable animals for May 14, 2019. These rankings have not been certified. Repeat, these rankings have not been certified. Please register your challenges with Central Control. Thank you.

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Rankings commence...now.

Number Ten: Juvenile Corn Snake



Number Nine: Otter in Swimming Pose


Number Eight: Guinea Pig, Multicolored


Number Seven: Capuchin Monkey, Dressed As People


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Number Seven: Capuchin Monkey, Dressed As People


Number Six: Beagle, Puppy Stage


Number Five: Crow Wearing Expression of Curiosity


<clicking, as of a computerized brain achieving sentience>

Cross-reference Curious Crow Cannabis Company of Tonasket, Washington.


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Number Four: Smiling Gecko


Number Three: Baby Tiger, Extreme Cuteness Mode



Number Two: Hedgehog in Slightly Furled Position



Number One:

Number One:

Number One:

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We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please wait.

Adorable animal loading now.

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Number One: Alligator On Casual Friday



This concludes today’s ranking of adorable animals. Thank you.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Lies That Life Is Black and White

If this isn't a metaphor for my life, I don't know what is.

This is an actual photo I took this morning, looking down at the parking lot at my IRL job.


That's my friend and traveling companion, Benedict Cumberhatch, down there.

Let's take a closer look.


You can't stage this stuff.

Drunkards, that's me, all day every day. A little red hatchback in a sea of monochromatic sedans and SUVs.

And...I'm OK with that.

I say, if you can choose, why choose to look like every other rolling pile of debt on the Tollway?

You don't have to be the biggest or the newest or the best. I prefer to be different. And cute.

Plus, I never get lost in the parking lot. That's got to count for something.