Sunday, November 23, 2014

Birthdays Are Getting Old (See What I Did There?)

Tomorrow is Precocious Daughter's 15th birthday.

It seems like only yesterday she was in my belly,

being blessed by a random Asian dude.
I'm a bit stunned at how quickly time has passed. She's not a little girl any more. She's a young woman, a high school freshman, somebody's *choke* girlfriend.

Did I say stunned? Angry. So. Angry.

Bad, bad time.

There's not much I can do about the passage of time, or the fact that I seem to have turned into her very own Picture of Dorian Gray, growing older and more decrepit every day while she becomes ever more stunning. Well, I can engage in denial. In fact, that seems like a pretty good option.

Victor Habbick/
Am I a MILF yet?
PDaughter has this week off from school. Tomorrow she's going to the movies with her *choke* boyfriend for her birthday. Like, you know, a date. Because she's 15 and dating. So she's going on a date. 

I'm going to babble incoherently for a while.

Hey! Did you know that original Beatles drummer Pete Best and serial killer Ted Bundy both share a birthday with my kid? Also, Lee Harvey Oswald and Freddy Mercury both died on her birthday. And, um, the first World Cup for the Blind began on the same date, in 2006.

OK, that last one made me laugh. Which is a terrible, terrible thing, laughing at blind people playing soccer. But I really, really needed a laugh. Sorry, blind soccer players. 

Usually it's only the refs who are blind,

Anyway. Fifteen. She no longer gets toys for her birthday, or has parties at the arcade. She doesn't even want a cake for her birthday; she wants a pie. That may be more a my-kid-is-weird thing than a growing-up thing. But all I can think of is the birthday when I worked my butt off to make and  decorate a Pokeball cake, and how big her smile was when she saw it. 

She finally got rid of the last of her Pokemon stuff just this year.

Well, except for the little Psyduck figurine that still sits on the passthrough between the kitchen and the family room. 

Maybe she's not changing as quickly as I think.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful Precocious Daughter. I can't think of anyone I'd rather grow old because of.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

It's Not OK to Eat This on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. It's a day for sharing, for gathering with friends and family, for counting our blessings, and of course, for giving thanks.

Millions of Americans will sit down to a feast on Thursday. Many of us will enjoy the traditional turkey and stuffing, while others will opt for ham, or seafood, or vegetarian dishes. Through donations and volunteering, we'll also make sure that those who don't have homes and families can participate in this celebration of abundance and joy.

Unfortunately, there is a small, malignant segment of American society that chooses to to mock and defile the traditional values of the holiday. These revelers turn their backs on all that is good about Thanksgiving Day and celebrate in a way that is not simply deviant, but grotesque.

I'm talking, of course, about people who eat babies.

This is appalling. This is not a religious issue, or a matter of freedom of expression. Eating babies is simply wrong, even on special occasions.

Yet all across this great nation, hidden away behind closed doors, there are those who eschew fowl, beast, or tofurkey in favor of infant. These so-called human beings can be found preparing their holiday meals with babies. Deep-fried, smoked, oven-roasted babies.

It's just not right. What has our society come to?

Oh sure, some of these miscreants try to disguise what they're doing.

While others act as if "everyone is doing it."

But wrong is wrong, no matter how many people are doing it. And eating babies is wrong.

Can I get an amen?

Huh? What? Oh, sure...amen. Let's eat.
I'm sure our do-nothing Congress will ignore this hateful, hurtful practice. And those of us who speak out will be branded as "wackos" or "people who don't understand satire." What happened to the America I used to know, where people knew what was good to eat?

I'm not much for praying these days, so instead I'd like to offer this little verse.

Please don't eat babies on Thanksgiving Day.
Their flesh is so tender, but it's not OK.
Their drumsticks look yummy, their fingers are sweet,
But that doesn't make them a thing you should eat.
'Though perfectly sized so that none goes to waste,
To savor the flavor is simply bad taste.
Buy a turkey instead, now don't be a skinflint,
And give thanks on this day without eating an infant.

I hope those lost souls will take this message to heart. Maybe it will make them turn away from the terrible practice of eating babies and return to the ways of our Pilgrim forefathers, who only slaughtered animals and Indians.