Monday, October 12, 2015

Here I Was, Feeling Good. What an Idiot.

I'm not used to being single.

My silhouette totally is not ready for its
sundown-on-the-beach close-up.

I am in fact laughably bad at it.

Case in point: There's a entirely different English language for single people.

It involves a megaphone and not having a face?

I thought the phrase "Let's hang out tonight" meant that, in broad terms, one of us would travel to the other's home in order to complete the social ritual known as "hanging out."

Laugh if you want. I'm completely new to this. I had no idea it meant...

Well, fuck, I don't know what it means, but it certainly doesn't mean that one of us would travel to the other's home in order to compete the social ritual known as "hanging out."

Sorry, Timon, I lack your worldliness.

Instead - apparently - it means "I'll message you later and tell you what I did instead of spending the evening hanging out with you." 

That makes sense. I remember that from my brief pre-marriage history of dating, actually. That was something my asshole not-boyfriend-material male prospects used to tell me. I totally recall that now.

It's been a while, is all.

OMG, I had no idea this blog was about to turn into an "adventures in not knowing how the fuck to date" thing. I guess you're in luck...?

Well, OK. Get ready to laugh as yours truly tries to embark upon an adult relationship in her 40s and pretty much gets every goddam thing wrong.

If it gets hits, I'm totally willing to go there.

Always willing to take a curveball for the sake of eyes on the page, I am.

Also...advice on being a grown-ass woman splashing in the emotionally retarded dating pool is completely welcome.

I feel I've already fucked it up.

Guidance welcome.

Thanks, Drunkards. You guys rock.

Finger on the Trigger

Note: There will be no illustrations accompanying this post. Use your imagination.

So I am a huge throbbing supporter of the #cocksnotglocks movement started by UT student Jessica Jin.

In case you missed it, Ms. Jin is calling for women (I mean, I guess men can also participate? Sure, why not, let's get the guys involved in this) to openly carry dildos on the Austin campus in response to the Texas law that will make concealed handgun carry legal at state universities.

Austin being Austin, i.e. a refreshing oasis of weirdness in a state that is otherwise utterly without a sense of humor about itself, the movement has gained considerable momentum, with thousands indicating they will pack their finest sex toys in solidarity.

Of course, Texas being Texas, i.e. a state so ridiculously backwards that "South Park" can't even find a way to satirize it, Campus (DILDO) Carry has come under attack by the very people who prove that a lot of mentally unstable assholes own guns.

I've read a number of the thoughtful, reasoned comments left on the group's Facebook page, all of which I'm sure were intended to provoke a productive dialogue on gun laws and social mores. For your benefit, I've summarized them all here:

"Y'all liberal sluts who can't get a man y'all cunts gonna get raped and wish you had a gun [incorrect form of "their"] Texas Jesus guns liberal skanks [incorrect form of "your"] *spits*"

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

If I haven't said it before, I'll say it right now: I know a lot of people who own guns. Never once has any of them pulled one out and pointed it at me "in fun," or cleaned it while my kid was visiting, or gotten in my face about my personal dislike of guns, or said "Hold my beer and watch this." I know a lot of responsible gun owners, is what I'm saying.

And I'm fairly confident that at least a few of them support concealed campus carry, which will take effect in August 2016. I vehemently oppose it, yet none of my gun-owning friends and acquaintances have called me out as a slut or wished violent crime to befall me because of our conflicting opinions. Not to my face, anyway. I'm sure people say all kinds of shit about me behind my back. I would, if I knew me.

I would never say that all gun owners are angry, misogynistic rednecks. I will say that angry, misogynistic rednecks appear to comprise a sizable subset of gun owners who feel a need to attack a viewpoint they don't agree with. I will also say that these trolling haters generally possess a third-grade command of the English language, which means they will struggle to persuade anyone whose own level of literacy is a notch or 15 higher. (Translation: You sound like a dumbass, bruh.)

Bottom line: I think the idea of carrying dildos on campus is hilarious. Let's find out who thinks sex is obscene but public shootouts are the 'Murican way. Let's talk about which device trades in fear and anger and which is all about smiles and fun.

I think such a discussion would separate the men from the boys pretty quickly.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Follow-up: Lizard Edition

In all the hubbub of moving and general life shenanigans, I failed to disclose a piece of sad news to you guys.

Remember Eldon, the Cookie Eating Lizard?

Seen here, eating a cookie.
It grieves me to report that Eldon did not survive the move to the new place.

He met his demise in the freight elevator of my apartment complex. Precocious Daughter was holding him, and he slipped out of her hand and broke into many tiny blue lizard-pieces.

She was devastated.

And for a moment - just a moment - so was I.

And then I realized, maybe Eldon was just a symbol of the parts of my old life that don't belong in my new life. And even if that's a stretch, he was just a thing. A wonderful little thing that I enjoyed for many years but is now shattered beyond repair.

Like my marriage.

When reached for comment, Keanu said, "WHOA."
So Eldon will not find a place of honor in my new home. And that's OK. Because right now I'm wondering if we're ever going to get everything unpacked and put away, and I don't have a lot of time to worry about where to put a fragile cowboy lizard figurine.

As always, it's all about priorities.

RIP, Eldon. Thanks for helping me let go.