Thursday, January 29, 2015

Nothing Bad Will Happen If You Click Here. I Promise.

Hey, Drunkards!

Last night I spent the better part of two hours trying to resuscitate my computer.

Why?

Because I clicked on a link that seemed totes legit.

Usually I'm really good at this.
Listen up, peeps: If you get a popup that says, in any form, "Update your Java and this is totally not malware," close down your fucking browser and take a walk around the block.

And this too.
Really, I'm pretty damn tech savvy. I've been watching over networks and their users for quite some time now. I'm not inclined to be taken in by random popups or viral posts.

Except that this time, I was.

I don't know, Jackie Chan meme. If I knew,
I would have avoided being stupid. Really.
Tonight, I freaked out and clicked on a goddamn link that promised to update my online security.

And I fell for it, because vodka and pretty much straight-up self-loathing.

Author's note: This is where I stopped writing the post, because I guess vodka + self-loathing = sleepy-bye time. But I did disarm the nastyware I downloaded, so I feel pretty great about that. Maybe I should get a job as a drunk IT specialist. 

Totally a thing. For professionals only, please.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Fun with Groupon

I was on Groupon today, looking for hot local deals at a great price.

No, really, I was. I mean, OK, Groupon and I have had our problems. But no hard feelings. Even though they never have what I really want.

Is this too much to ask? I'll pay for a collar and leash.
And whatever the Basset hound needs, too.
Still, you can find a lot of really cool stuff on Groupon. Judging from the photos, at least. I don't have time to read a lot of fine print, I'm very busy looking at online comics and trolling gun nuts on Twitter. But from what I can see, there are bargains galore on quality goods and services to be found.

Check out just a few of what I assume they are, based on these actual photos from the Dallas Groupon page:

Squid eyeballs, assorted sizes, on display stands. 57% off retail.

Giant tire moving service. 32% off retail.

Custom-made clothing for your sex doll. Over 100 sold.

A night of bowling with the Invisible Man. 41% off retail.

A punch dead square in the face. 34% off.

Specialty massage to remove large, throbbing forehead veins. Top rated deal.

A sternly delivered warning from a thug with a switchblade. 24% off.

Pair of 30-year-old used roller skates, with socks. Almost gone!

Treatment for one enormous foot. 71% off.

Cleavage-watching party. Quantities limited.

Eye replacement (left only). 17% off retail.

Pre-used puppy training pads. Make great gifts.

Fulfillment of one oddly specific fetish. 69% off.

Straight-up murder of a foe, nemesis, or rival. Click here.

Remember, these are limited-time offers, so don't delay. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for the blogger in your life, let's just say I know a couple of people who could use a sternly delivered warning.