Fan-tastic News for Sports Hounds

Faithful readers know that I am a sometimes-compensated spokesperson for fantasy football. Due to my total expertise on the subject.

Fantasy football: Bringing together nerds and jocks
in a beautiful and not at all homoerotic partnership.
I'm pretty sure.

The essence of fantasy football is the way it sucks all the drama and immediacy from the sport by reducing the definition of victory to a dry amalgam of statistics that utterly fail to reflect the dynamic, unpredictable nature of human competition. It's sort of like a cooking competition where, instead of tasting any of the dishes, the judges declare a winner based on how many total tablespoons of stuff were in each recipe.

So many ingredients! It must be good!

So yeah, fantasy football is pretty lame, unless I'm getting paid to write about it, in which case HURRRRRRR FOOTBALL 'MURICA.

But you know what would make fantasy football not only very cool, but also much more adorable?

Puppies.

Human sacrifice optional but also potentially adorable.

Fortunately, the wise humans at Animal Planet are way ahead of me on this. That's why this year, for the first time, the cable channel's famous Puppy Bowl will include a fantasy draft.

As an important player in the world of fantasy football journalism, probably I should know exactly what a fantasy draft is.

Something to do with this, maybe.

What I do know is that Puppy Bowl is the cutest thing in the world and I watch it every year on Super Bowl Sunday because puppies. And this year you'll be able to put together a fantasy puppy team so you can prove how pathetic you are more fully engage with the game.

Although I'm sure some of you will only watch for the cheerleaders.

So you'll be able to follow the stats of your favorite players and see how your fantasy puppy team stacks up against your friends' teams, assuming any of your friends are willing to admit they're doing this. And if your fantasy team wins, you'll be able to...well, you'll have the honor of...that is to say...

D'awww...puppy.

Anyway, if you need to satisfy your gambling addiction and/or insatiable need to achieve a mathematical victory, then be sure to check out the first-ever Puppy Bowl Fantasy Draft. Because...sure, why not? Also...puppies.

Hey, Animal Planet, this endorsement is free of charge. But I'm willing to be hired as an analyst. I'll bring my own squeaky toy.

2013, in the Nuttiest of Shells

Any year in which your marriage falls apart cannot be called a good year. I just now made that rule up.

In keeping with this, 2013 was not a good year.

But it had its moments.

Like, remember when Anthony Weiner burst back onto the political scene by running for mayor of New York City, and then it turned out he was still taking pictures of his dong and talking dirty to random chicks on the Internet and calling himself Carlos Danger?

That was cool.

Then there was the lady who stabbed her roommate for the totally defensible reason that he wouldn't stop playing awful, terrible music by the Eagles. She is my hero.

Texas Governor Dick Perry announced that he would end the state's long, long nightmare by not seeking another term as Head Froot Loop. If only all the other Froot Loops would follow him out of the bowl. Offically, he's planning another hilarious run at the Presidency for 2016. Unofficially, as hard as it seems to believe, he just may have run out of ridiculous douchey shit to do. Or maybe it's just awfully hard to stand out in a state where such a large proportion of government officials are doing douchey shit every day.

Some terrible things happened, like when Olympic runner Oscar "Blade Runner" Pistorius maybe-maybe not shot his girlfriend to death while she was sitting on the toilet because he thought she was a burglar who had decided to stop and take a pee in the middle of a home invasion. But since I wasn't much in a romantic mood at the time, it made a pretty good Valentine.

President Obama did everything wrong, according to the fair and balanced reporters on Fox News. But by far the worst thing he did all year was to put his foot on his desk in the Oval Office. His godless socialist Muslim foot. I can't believe I voted for this guy twice.

The MTV Music Video Awards happened. And that nice girl who played Hannah Montana and that nice boy whose dad was on "Growing Pains" got together and sang a duet. Full disclosure: I was actually walking the dog while the Twerk Heard Round the World was going on. But I did see the *NSYNC reunion. And so did a few other people.

Things also happened right here on the ol' blog. In May, I participated in the A to Z Swearing Challenge. You know, to show solidarity with my fellow bloggers who came under fire for sullying the noble art of oversharing online by using CURSE WORDS sometimes. Also because it gave me a chance to learn and/or make up a bunch of new swears. Mostly because I like to fucking swear.

My page admin/alter ego Tabitha began writing guest posts. She doesn't like to use the shift key, and she doesn't like me. But she likes to take on various topics in the most offensive way possible, and on some level I've got to admire her for that. Besides, it gives her something to do, which is a good thing, because when she gets bored she hacks into my Facebook account and sends very rude messages to my friends.

I was paid to host sponsored content from an online fantasty football company! They haven't asked again. Which is totally their loss, because I absolutely would have delivered faux-macho jock/geek hybrid eyeballs in droves. You all are into that stuff, right?

I gave you poems. Some of them I actually tried to make good. Others, not so much. Those probably turned out better.

And after spending the whole year churning out thousands of words about religion and politics and current events and alcohol and love and my various, endlessly amusing personal failures, it turns out that the single most-read post of 2013 was the one that consisted entirely of pictures of turtles.

I think I finally understand the Internet.

Another Word for "Whore" Is "Professional" [SPONSORED POST]

The traditional difference between an amateur and a professional is that a professional gets paid for her work, and an amateur doesn't. Unless you're an Olympic athlete.

Ryan Lochte, in the spirit of volunteerism.

Therefore, I'm a professional writer, editor, and administrative goddess. On the other hand, I'm an amateur mother. Obviously.

Also, by this definition, I'm an amateur blogger.

BUT NOT ANY MORE.

The good folks at FanDuel.com have kindly offered to place sponsored content right here on little old Always Drunk. That's right - I'm pimping their site. I've turned pro. I'm turning on the red light. I can only imagine the sophisticated metrics that led them to align the target market of "people who like fantasy sports leagues" with a blog written by a "crazy person who drinks too much and rants about stupid shit."

It gets very mathy, I'm sure.

The first entry in what I hope is a long and mutually humiliating relationship between our two websites is a piece about my favorite smirking choke artist, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. And here's the best part: I got to edit it to my liking. So it's not exactly what they sent me. But it does contain a link to my sponsor, and it would be really cool if you would click it, in order to show that Drunkards support fantasizing about grown men in tight pants.

Or not. But please enjoy this sponsored content, which has been professionally written and professionally blogged.

Aww, yeah.

My edits are marked, so you can see how a pro works.

Tony Romo Continues To Be So Tony Romo

Quarterbacks in the NFL are always being labeled fairly early in their careers. Peyton Manning has the reputation of being a regular season quarterback beautiful god among men, while Tom Brady is the playoff master a total douche. Robert Griffin III is already “injury-prone,” while Andrew Luck is known as being cerebral. Aaron Rodgers makes really terrible commercials, but at least he can act a little, unlike that Koepernick guy, who can't even rise to the dramatic challenge of a McDonald's ad.

However, perhaps no quarterback in the NFL has a worse, yet pretty accurate, label than Tony Romo. Simply put, Romo is known as a choker. That's right, he's a simple necklace made to be worn snugly around the neck. I think. I don't know much about football. When an undrafted quarterback out of Eastern Illinois becomes the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, it seems more like a fairy tale the premise of a really implausible porno than anything. Romo has certainly beat the odds to be one of the best fantasy football quarterbacks in the NFL, and that has helped him reach three Pro Bowls while holding the starting job, and that smirk on his face, since 2006.

For all the good Romo has done, he continues to earn his label as a choker simply because he seemingly comes up short in every single important game. He is responsible for losing games played by other teams, in entirely different sports. He's awful. Did I mention the smirk? The narrative is that Romo can’t handle the big stage, and he can’t be the long-term solution for America’s Team. Romo’s 1-3 record in the playoffs doesn’t make him look all that legendary, but a lot of that can be put on the fact that management has not provided him with a very solid running attack to balance out the offense he sort of resembles a constipated marmoset and also tends to suck at moments he really shouldn't suck.  It is a bit much to expect a quarterback to lead a team without a lot of help when everybody thinks he's a wanker, but for most of his career, that is what Romo has had to deal with.

It can't be easy on the marmosets, either.

The Cowboys game against the Broncos was the perfect example of Romo’s career, packaged into one game. He was a fantasy football standout, setting a Cowboys record with 506 passing yards, along with four touchdown passes. And if football games were played in Narnia and the opposing line was composed of goat-men and talking badgers, that would be a good thing. There were times when he actually looked better than Peyton Manning, as he helped Dallas stay in the game just kidding, no one looks better than Peyton mmmmmm Peyton. However, late in the fourth quarter, Romo made his one true mistake, which ended up leading to an interception and a field goal for Denver. What an asshat.

Sometimes in the NFL, the narrative is pushed a bit too much. Quarterbacks are always going to be labeled to help sell the story. Romo's label should read "May Cause Dizziness and Also Will Probably Fumble the Snap." With Romo, he continues to give the doubters ammunition, even when he is in the midst of one of his greatest games ever. But he doesn't give a crap, because he's got millions of dollars and his wife is hotter than yours.

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Check it out, you guys. Tell 'em Chuck Baudelaire sent you.