Resume Tips That Might Actually Work

 Let me start by saying I'm not looking for a job.

I'm content where I am. Even if I were less than content, I loathe the job-hunting process with the heat of twelve hundred supernovas. And at this stage of my career, when my job starts getting me down I think about my bank account (comfy-ish), my retirement savings (ouchy-ish), and my personal motto ("suck it up, buttercup") and simply hunker down to endure the next round of bullshit.

Of all the things in life that don't love me back,
my job is the least of my worries.

I sympathize with job seekers, though. My own Precocious Daughter is one of them. She's smart, talented, educated, and hard working, but she's currently underemployed and shooting out resumes like a damn t-shirt cannon, with limited success. And when she's finally successful, what will she have? A fucking job. As reward-to-effort ratios go, landing a fucking job is right up there with spending $30 at a carnival booth to win an inflatable clown hammer.

You can't even beat your enemies senseless
with this damn thing.

Nonetheless, a job is a pretty necessary thing to have for most of us, and a resume is the way most of us get our foot in the door with the companies that are handing out said jobs. That's why so much advice geared toward employment-seekers centers around crafting a solid resume. 

Judging by the resumes I read, either as part of my own job or from frequenting subreddits devoted to resume writing, approximately 98% of that advice is routinely misunderstood and/or ignored. There are some seriously weak CVs floating around out there.

For instance, I saw a resume today where the job-seeker, in the very first sentence of their summary, referred to themselves as "seasoned, dedicated, and resourceful." Three words in (not counting the conjunction), and two of them were weasel words. That's not a ratio that will land you a job, Clyde. Here's why:

First of all, "seasoned" sounds like an attempt to find a fancier, cooler word than "experienced." But it's not. To the resume reader/algorithm, it comes across as either a euphemism for "I learned to type during the Carter administration" or a weird allusion to rubbing oil and salt into a cast iron frying pan. Neither is going to award you any points, and may in fact get you stereotyped as a little old lady/man who's preoccupied with cooking blogs. 

On to "dedicated." "Dedicated" says nothing. Literally nothing. I can almost guarantee that no hiring manager will ever want to know if you're "dedicated." They want to know if you'll put up with a daily onslaught of bullshit from the multiple competing layers of management you'll be reporting to. That takes the opposite of dedication - it requires not giving a rat's scaly-tailed ass about anything but keeping your boss off your back. So don't use a word that implies you care, because the screening algorithm doesn't.

Then there's "resourceful." This is actually a very good word to use on a resume. It implies certain useful and desirable skills. It's a deceptively inoffensive word that can mean anything from "I will keep a detailed inventory of where the bodies are buried and deploy it as needed" to "My advanced Google Fu will make you look like you know what the fuck you're doing instead of the obvious truth." Your straightest path to success is to establish yourself as the person who gets shit done. Note: This is separate and distinct from being the person who actually does shit themselves. Strive to be the former without being the latter. That's a person who brings value to the organization. And that's why "resourceful" is an ace resume word. Highly recommended.

In that same vein, here are some other more powerful substitutes to excite the algorithm and make your resume stand out from those of your weasel-worded competitors.

Weak: Utilized

Strong: Smashed

Weak: Leveraged

Strong: Lightly blackmailed

Weak: Supported

Strong: Continually saved the ass of

Weak: Optimized

Strong: Un-fucked

Weak: Discretion

Strong: Screaming silently

Weak: Tact

Strong: Screaming silently

Weak: Facilitated

Strong: Slapped sense into

Weak: Contributor

Strong: Shit-shoveler first class

Weak: Learned

Strong: Tempered in fire

Weak: Provided

Strong: Handled like a fucking boss

Go ahead. Introduce some of these words into your next resume. See if you don't have prospective employers lining up to offer you a life of stress and limited recognition. 

But if all else fails, type all the weasel words in white 4pt text into the bottom of your resume before you upload it. The algorithm gods will be pleased.

Try a Little Tenderness

Here is some unsolicited advice to people who are single.

People:

Seek a partner who is KIND.

Kind to you. Kind to their relatives and co-workers. Kind to wait staff, cashiers, homeless people, customer service reps, and complete strangers.

Someone who smiles when a smile is literally all they have to offer.

Someone who treats everyone equally, whether they're wearing a Rolex or somebody's cast-off clothes.

Seek a partner who accepts others' flaws (including yours) and owns theirs.

Never settle for anyone who tries to substitute wealth and status for empathy, humility, and kindness.

I'm not religious, but I do believe we all have a soul. It's where our core decency resides.

People with deformed souls definitely exist.

It's not your job to redeem them.

Hold out for kindness. If you can't find it in someone else, please embody it in yourself. You won't regret it. I promise.

Edit: This is also advice for people who are in relationships. If you are not with a kind person, leave. At least, consider leaving. You deserve more. YES YOU DO.

YOU DESERVE MORE.

Signed, The Most Fortunate Woman in the Blogosphere.

Do As I...Oh Shit Whatever

It's nearly 9:00 p.m. here in Baudelairestan, and my Precocious Daughter has just gone out for the evening.

Because she'll be a grown-ass adult in a few months, and she can do that.

I don't feel old at all, thanks.

Bestest Friend and I used to go out on the weekends - she would drive us in her sweet little orange Beetle because I didn't have my license, just as PDaughter's bestie is driving tonight for the same reason. We went to the movies, to concerts, to bookstores. We met Douglas Adams. We saw Julian Lennon on his first tour. It was the Eighties.

Apropos of nothing, Donald Trump had bad hair and a
butthole-mouth even way back in the 80s.

We didn't drink. We didn't do drugs. We didn't have sex.

We were good girls. We waited until AFTER high school to do those things.

So anyway, I asked PDaughter what she and her bestie were planning to do. And it turns out they're going to Lake Lavon - a popular lake about 30 minutes outside the Dallas Metroplex urban sprawl - to watch the stars.

And of course I immediately assumed that meant they were going to drive out to the country to drink, do drugs, and have sex.

You guys. I worked in a video store in 1985-86.
I know the lingo, aight?

But I know better.

If my child - who is planning to apply to Columbia, Yale, and Berkeley in the next few months - and her best friend - who is younger than PD but has already completed her first year of college - say they're going to drive to the country to look at the stars, then I f*cking believe them.

Whatever they actually get up to, I believe them. Because they're amazing young women, and I choose to trust them.

Now, if she abuses my trust, and does something illegal/stupid/dangerous, I'll come down on her like bricks on whatever it is bricks typically come down on.

But I refuse to keep her on a choke chain simply because of the possibility that she might do things that other teens have done that have been less than optimal.

Her mother drinks, and her father smokes dope, and she has been pretty much openly contemptuous of both of us for those habits.

And even if she weren't, what am I supposed to do? I'm the poster child for Doing The Things Your Parents Said Were Awful, after all.

Literally all I want is for PDaughter to have a good time and come home safely later tonight.

She'll be legally an adult on November 24th. Advice on how to live with an adult child is sooooo welcome.

Thanks. 

<3