Do As I...Oh Shit Whatever

It's nearly 9:00 p.m. here in Baudelairestan, and my Precocious Daughter has just gone out for the evening.

Because she'll be a grown-ass adult in a few months, and she can do that.

I don't feel old at all, thanks.

Bestest Friend and I used to go out on the weekends - she would drive us in her sweet little orange Beetle because I didn't have my license, just as PDaughter's bestie is driving tonight for the same reason. We went to the movies, to concerts, to bookstores. We met Douglas Adams. We saw Julian Lennon on his first tour. It was the Eighties.

Apropos of nothing, Donald Trump had bad hair and a
butthole-mouth even way back in the 80s.

We didn't drink. We didn't do drugs. We didn't have sex.

We were good girls. We waited until AFTER high school to do those things.

So anyway, I asked PDaughter what she and her bestie were planning to do. And it turns out they're going to Lake Lavon - a popular lake about 30 minutes outside the Dallas Metroplex urban sprawl - to watch the stars.

And of course I immediately assumed that meant they were going to drive out to the country to drink, do drugs, and have sex.

You guys. I worked in a video store in 1985-86.
I know the lingo, aight?

But I know better.

If my child - who is planning to apply to Columbia, Yale, and Berkeley in the next few months - and her best friend - who is younger than PD but has already completed her first year of college - say they're going to drive to the country to look at the stars, then I f*cking believe them.

Whatever they actually get up to, I believe them. Because they're amazing young women, and I choose to trust them.

Now, if she abuses my trust, and does something illegal/stupid/dangerous, I'll come down on her like bricks on whatever it is bricks typically come down on.

But I refuse to keep her on a choke chain simply because of the possibility that she might do things that other teens have done that have been less than optimal.

Her mother drinks, and her father smokes dope, and she has been pretty much openly contemptuous of both of us for those habits.

And even if she weren't, what am I supposed to do? I'm the poster child for Doing The Things Your Parents Said Were Awful, after all.

Literally all I want is for PDaughter to have a good time and come home safely later tonight.

She'll be legally an adult on November 24th. Advice on how to live with an adult child is sooooo welcome.

Thanks. 

<3

A Law Against Stupidity Is a Good Idea But Possibly Not Constitutional

I'm just going to climb up on this soapbox for a moment, you guys.

But not in those shoes, uh-uh.

Here's a story from CNN.com called "Colorado Dad Aims to Ban Smartphone Sales to Preteens."

Here's why:

"One of my sons, I took [his smartphone] away, and it was a pretty dramatic, very violent outburst," said Dr. Timothy J. Farnum, a father of five who is an anesthesiologist by training. "He was very addicted to this little machine. It kind of scared me, and that's really how it started."

To sum up:

1. Dad buys smartphones for 10- and 11-year-old boys.
2. Dad fails to lay down guidelines for appropriate use of smartphones.
3. Boys become glued to smartphones because no one is telling them to put the damn things down and go outside.
4. Dad confiscates smartphones.
5. Ten-year-old has temper tantrum because Dad has no balls and has raised him to be an entitled little shit.
6. Dad wants to ban smartphones for children in an entire state, because overcompensation.

Dad, Dad, Dad.

Let's talk.

I'm not saying your first mistake was reproducing. That seems slightly harsh, and also somewhat presumptuous on my part; for all I know you've been saying and doing dumb shit for much longer than you've been a parent.

Seems likely.

So let's break down the stupidity in question. You bought smartphones for your 10-year-old and 11-year-old sons. Why? Because they're child geniuses who work for the CIA and need a secure connection to the Agency to receive mission briefings? Or because they asked and you lacked the aforementioned cojones to say no?

Sir. Even in Trump's America, children are not required to have smartphones. 

My own Precocious Daughter, who is 17, didn't have a cell phone of any kind until she was in middle school. And then she carried around a plain-vanilla dumb phone for a few years before I bought her a smartphone, at which point she was in her teens.

Did she want one (and complain about not having one) for a long time before I actually gave it to her? Of course she did.

But here's what I did: I said "no." This is a word that parents are allowed to use. Try it, it's a lot of fun. There's nothing like eliciting a good pout to make one feel drunk with parental power.

The salt from children's tears gives flavor to life.

Mr. Dad, I don't know you, but I get the feeling you haven't made a habit of saying "no" to your kids. Because "no" is a great boundary-setter. And it seems to me that a 10-year-old who has a "violent outburst" when his electronic device is taken away hasn't seen many boundaries in his young life.

But that's neither here nor there, really. This isn't about your kids. This is about your peculiar decision-making process. You know, like the decision to buy smartphones for elementary schoolchildren. The decision to not monitor or supervise their use of technology. And finally, the decision to stump for a statewide ban on kids holding smartphones because of YOUR bad decisions.

Dude. Come on.

Let's forget for a moment that the problem isn't with smartphones - apps and games and social media can be accessed via tablets, laptops, and even damn refrigerators. Good luck trying to ban refrigerators. The fridge lobby is vast and powerful, man.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Let's also forget that you're suggesting the government should take over the responsibility of determining which consumer products sovereign citizens are allowed to purchase and how they can be used. I'm no Gadsden-flag-waving nutbag patriot, but I just don't believe this is how the Founding Fathers envisioned the role of state legislatures.

Not even this bleeding-heart bastard. (Love you, @Lin_Manuel).

No, let's focus instead on one important fact: The last time I checked, minors couldn't sign contracts. Not to lease a Porsche, not to purchase cellphone service. No one is selling smartphones to children. Grown-ass adults are buying smartphones and giving them to their kids, who maybe are old enough and mature enough to use them responsibly, or maybe are spoiled brats with feckless parents.

You, Dad-Man, want to introduce a law that would require wireless carriers to determine why someone is buying a smartphone. That's a little like holding a hardware store responsible for selling a hammer to someone who ends up using it to bash in their neighbor's skull because he mows his lawn before 10:00 a.m. on Sunday. That's just not on Home Depot, you know?

But sure, let's say your little law gets passed. And the police spot a kid using a smartphone in the food court at the mall. Who gets arrested? Little Jimmy? Jimmy's mom, who possibly was just letting him use her phone to keep him amused while waiting for his Burger King meal? Sprint? Donald Trump?

I mean, arresting Donald Trump seems like a good idea on general principle. But I digress.

Sir. Man up. Admit you made a mistake - as a parent, I readily admit to hundreds, if not thousands, of screw-ups big and small. My goal as a mom has never been perfection, or blamelessness. I just want to raise a happy, responsible, self-reliant human. Sometimes that means being the bad guy. Sometimes that means weathering outbursts and working through them.

For me, at least, so far it hasn't meant pushing to change the law to prevent me from doing stupid shit.

Colorado Dad, put on your big-boy pants and be a parent. It's not too late. You can do this.

Love, Chuck

P.S. What the heck is an "anesthesiologist by training"? Do you really want to direct? Have you lost hospital privileges for huffing Propofol? I'm concerned. Self-care is important. Hugs.

Am I Right or Am I Wrong?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that making birth control pills available at no cost was an integral part of the Affordable Care Act aka Obamacare.

Something about Rush Limbaugh literally not understanding
how human reproduction works, right?

But at the time all of that was going on, I wasn't exactly thinking about affordable oral contraception. Back in the halcyon days of 2012, I was more worried about keeping my job, wondering whether the recession would ever truly be over, and pondering the state of my marriage than about the Pill, which I hadn't taken in many years at that point.

Also, way back then, I had the luxury of not having to contemplate the time when my Precocious Daughter would become sexually active. She was 12, and still into Pokemon, and laughed uncomfortably at the notion of being interested in boys.

So yeah. The cost of birth control: not on my radar.

Nope, no daily dose of hormones here.

But of course, that was then, this is now. Yesterday PDaughter got some horse pills to treat her UTI, and a little packet of pills to treat her, um, lack of desire to get pregnant while still in high school.

Remarkably, it treats the identical desire
in me, and I don't even have to take them.

Today I admitted to her that I have little recollection of when and how to use birth control pills, because I'm pre-menopausal and have cleared out that section of my brain to store more fear about when I'll be able to retire. I did remember enough to explain to her why she needs to take the row of beige pills, even though they contain no pregnancy-fighting hormones, so that she doesn't forget when to take the pink pills that actually block her baby-making glandular secretions.

It was actually her dad who took her to the drugstore to pick up her combination of meds, which I'm sure was terribly difficult for him, so kudos to him for not driving his car off the road on the way to the pharmacy drive-through. When I saw her today (her weekends with Dad run from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday morning), I had my first opportunity to ask PDaughter what the prescriptions cost.

The antibiotic: $1.86. Thank you, generics.

The birth control pills: Zero. Zilch. Nada. THANKS, OBAMA.

Hey, he's got two teenage daughters. Michelle herself
probably whispers "Thanks, Obama" into his ear
every night.

By the way, I welcome any and all debate on the wisdom of willingly and openly putting my 15-year-old daughter on birth control. Pro or con, I'd love to hear your opinion of my parenting skills based on this.

It boils down to this: I'm raising a young woman to be a strong, independent, productive member of society, and I'm doing what I think is necessary to ensure she becomes just that, without being deprived of opportunities or choices as to her future.

And I'm freaking thrilled that President Obama has helped me do it without financial hardship.

Disagree or agree as you wish.

I'm a realist. And a devoted mom. And a voter. And I act according to my principles in all these areas.

Am I right or am I wrong?