On Friday, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced his resignation.
And I know that correlation is not causation, but HOLY SHIT PEOPLE DO YOU NOT SEE THE DIRECT CONNECTION HERE?
|Sorry to shout like that, but dayum, that is some|
sexy logic right there.
|I don't know what I'm talking about, either.|
Possibly I'm a little drunk.
See, all kinds of media outlets covered the Pontiff's speech. But they all mysteriously left out one segment of Francis' remarks. As if they were politely requested, under penalty of eternal damnation, to do so.
And I'm going to share them with you, exclusively, because I'm that kind of blogger. (Also - no lie - the kind who has been asked to write for a startup Canadian online lifestyle magazine. CREDENTIALS, yo.)
Without further ado, here is the secret, hidden, covered-up but totally authentic transcript of Pope Francis' message to Speaker of the House John Boehner.
Your own responsibility as members of Congress is to enable this country, by your legislative activity, to grow as a nation. You are the face of its people, their representatives.... To this you have been invited, called and convened by those who elected you.
You know, as Pope, I am considered the emissary of God on Earth. My words to you are divinely inspired and formed by His teachings. But on rare occasions, the Lord has chosen to speak to me directly, in His own words. And recently, just such a conversation occurred. The subject was a certain member of the U.S. House of Representatives. God implored me to use the opportunity of my visit here to speak directly to an individual whose deeds as a legislator and a human being have garnered heavenly attention.
And so, I call upon that individual to come forward and hear the Word of God, as delivered through His poor servant Francis. I call upon...Mr. John Boehner.
(gasps and murmurs)
That is correct. Speaker of the House John Boehner, will you come forward to receive God's message to you?
I've taken the liberty of writing it down. I'm old, and the Lord speaks rather quickly. Are you ready?
I won't attempt to sound like God, by the way. I'm no good at accents.
Here are the words of the Lord.
Boehner, you orange-skinned fuck, get over here.
Yes, you. Mr. "I'm the third most important person in the greatest nation on Earth." You know what else you are? You're a giant prick.
Yeah, I went there.
I am the LORD your GOD. And I'm speaking through my main Catholic homeboy Frankie here to tell you that I'm pissed as fuck at you.
First of all, drop that Bay-ner shit. Your name is pronounced Boner and always will be. John Boner. Got it? Amen.
All right. Now, you're Catholic. You have, like, eleventy siblings because your mom and dad thought condoms were the Devil's knapsack. OK, fine. But you know what? I fucking created the Catholic church, and I'm here to tell you...you're doing it wrong.
America is not a Catholic nation, Mr. Boner. It's not a Christian nation. It's not even a nation under Me. It's a geopolitical construct, and I don't give half a fuck about that. America is full of Buddhists and Muslims and Jews and agnostics and even Satan-worshippers, and I'm FINE with that.
You know why? Because I made all you fuckers, and I gave you all free will. Not "only if you devote your lives to me" free will. Not "ask Me to intervene every time one of your Facebook friends loses their goddamn dog" free will. But ACTUAL free will. Like, believe in Me or not. No big whoop.
Here's what I don't need, Boner. I don't need old white men creating governments based on what they think I want.
You don't have a clue. I promise.
You, Mr. Boner, you want a Constitutional amendment to define marriage. Well, I made gay people, and I say let 'em get married, you judgmental piece of shit. You want to deny benefits to poor people. My kid Jesus said "the poor will always be among us," not "fuck the poor, they should be wealthier." You think Federal money should be withheld from schools that don't want to promote Christianity over other religions. I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT ONE RELIGION OR ANOTHER.
I mean, Me, it's hard to work around your prejudices and perversions of My scripture.
So here's what I want, John Boner. I want you to go away. I demand that you retire from the U.S. Congress. You're a conniving, corrupt, crying son of a bitch, and you're not doing yourself or the concept of the United States as a putatively religious nation any favors.
IF YOU DO NOT OBEY YOUR LORD AND HIS HOLY EMISSARY POPE FRANCIS I WILL SMITE YOUR ASS BACK TO THE 1300S, WHICH WERE VERILY A SHITSTORM OF MISERY.
Back to you, Frank. I'm done here.
*drops the heavenly mic*
At this, Pope Francis shook his head, as if awakening from a dream, and continued his prepared remarks.
But John Boehner? He thought about what his God had said, and resigned the very next day.
That's how it happened, you guys.
I swear to...somebody, I guess.