Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I'm Being Threatened by Europe, You Guys

The European Union (motto: "We Used to Be Just Europe, But Now We're Unionized") requires websites to post notices regarding their use of cookies to collect information on users.

And right now time travelers from the 1980s are like "Websites? Cookies? European Union? Damn, that was some good cocaine. Radical. Like, what's AIDS?"

Hell, I was there, and I barely remember
the Eighties.
Anyway, I've been on various EU websites, and I'm accustomed to seeing the annoying little pop-up that tells me I need to accept cookies, third-party privacy policies, and Jesus in order to get my fill of cheap British gossip. Whatever, European Union. Here across the pond, your mix of political correctness and ancient prejudice just makes us all glad to be 'Murican.

Chuck Norris has no time for your enlightened
views on privacy in the Internet age.
But now the war on cookies has invaded the red-white-and-blue host of this very blog, Blogger.com.

Check out the announcement that commandeered precious seconds of my attention span today:

td;dr: All your blog are belong to us.
Um, OK. So basically, Blogger has done me the huge favor of invading my code in order to warn Europeans that they are subject to my American cookies and/or cooties by accessing this site.


I will now randomly blame the Danish royal family for my aggravation.
Honestly, I have no problem if Blogger has taken the liberty of making my little old site compliant with EU laws on my behalf. It's not as if I want to lose my vibrant fan communities in Estonia or Malta. HAHAHAHAHHA.

But here's the thing. If you dig a little deeper into Blogger's policy, you find this:

So. Sososososo. Since I pony up ten bucks a year for the always-drunk.com domain, I can't actually see if the required pop-up, um, pops up. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe there's been some weird glitch and my blog actually violates international law. How would I know? I could be a trans-continental cyber-criminal and not even be aware.


I'm goddamned Blofeld and I don't even know it.
Jeez, you guys, I need your help.

I know I have some readers in the EU. I don't know exactly how many, or where they are, or how often they check in here. But for God's sake, if you're among them, PLEASE let me know if the required notification about freaking cookies appears when you land on my site.


I'm way too cute to be brought up before the Hague for crimes against the Internet.

As far as you know.

The first person to send me a screenshot of this blog with the Euro-legal language displayed will totally get a shout-out and a Chuck Norris bookmark. For reals.

I don't want to run afoul of Europe, Drunkards. I have enough issues right now.

K thx.

Merci beaucoup.

Or whatever.


  1. You could move to...Italy...and see.

  2. You have it all wrong. You do want to be tried for international crimes because that will mean a FREE TRIP TO EUROPE. And then you need a Kickstarter or Gofundme or whatever crazy thing the kids are using to raise money these days to pay for a huge entourage. And when you go into court go rolling in on a giant float waving flags with music blaring.

    Now I know you're thinking it'll be American flags and Ted Nugent music, because I know how you feel about him, but this is where we're going to take the EU completely off guard. You're going to have the flags of all the European countries (including Britain even though they pretend they're not part of the EU) hanging from your arms like wings. You'll be wearing a giant tiara with a blue halo decorated with gold stars like the EU flag. Your float will be covered with brussels sprouts. And the music will be that catchy hook from that totally 80's song "The Final Countdown".

    I'm thinking some giant Elton John sunglasses too, although that might be kind of garish.

  3. This makes me angry, because I don't want to give my European readers a heads-up about how my site installs cookies on their computers. After all, I spend a good portion of my day tracking and stalking my European readers. You should SEE hat some of those weirdos are up to...

    I have a custom domain as well. Before FascistDykeMotors.com, I had LesbiansInMySoup.com, and for a brief time, BigamistsForRickPerry.com. Why I ever let that last domain name go, I'll never know...

  4. Sorry if this foils your cyber-criminal plans. I can't do you a screen capture but I do get this across the top of the page now. "This site uses cookies from Google to deliver its services, to personalise ads and to analyse traffic. Information about your use of this site is shared with Google. By using this site, you agree to its use of cookies.Learn More Got it". Love from England


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