Can I call you gun nuts?
Does that not totally look like two peanuts getting it on?
To answer my own question, gun nuts: Yes, I do need to call you gun nuts, because I want to differentiate you from the gun owners who don't suffer from your particular affliction, which I call Butthurtus ammosexualis.
|You think that's not a thing? It's a meme. And memes can't lie.|
It is Internet law.
But these people don't suffer from Butthurtus ammosexualis. Or if they do, they're so far in the closet that they end up swapping shooting stories with John Travolta.
|Huh. That had some layers of innuendo.|
Where was I?
Oh yes, gun nuts. You see, Butthurtus ammosexualis encompasses a specific set of symptoms. If you compare an unafflicted gun enthusiast with a gun nut, the disease becomes easy to diagnose.
|Can you tell the difference?|
Gun nut: Ascribes magical powers to guns, from granting invulnerability to eliminating all crime.
Gun enthusiast: Exercises the right to own and carry guns responsibly and respectfully.
Gun nut: Demands the right to whip out a gun and publicly fondle it at his/her whim.
Gun enthusiast: Promotes gun safety and education.
Gun nut: Threatens people with opposing opinions.
Gun enthusiast: Realizes that many people feel intimidated by guns, conducts self discreetly.
Gun nut: Gathers with buddies in fast-food restaurants and leaves gun unattended so as to better stuff face with chicken tenders.
Gun enthusiast: Believes in the integrity of the Second Amendment.
Gun nut: Feels the Constitution is so weak that government confiscation of all weapons is imminent despite the Second Amendment expressly prohibiting such a thing.
Gun enthusiast: Feels that women who are comfortable with and properly trained on firearms can be empowered.
Gun nut: Calls women who campaign for common-sense gun laws cunts and whores.
Gun enthusiast: Knows there is room for thoughtful, even passionate debate about gun policy.
Gun nut: Sees literally zero middle ground between "everyone in America walking around fully armed at all times" and "banning every single form of weapon, plus burning old Looney Toons cartoons featuring Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny."
Gun enthusiast: Is a normal human who happens to pursue an interest I don't share.
Gun nut: Is a troglodyte pretending to be a better patriot than I am, because guns.
|Claims of being a better dresser|
are demonstrably false.
The only known treatment is to stop being an asshole.
That's my advice. Come and take it, won't you?