It was Earthquake Day in my corner of North Texas today.
|Honestly, this meme never, ever stops being funny to me.|
But today was different. First, there were as many as four shakey-shakes today in the space of a few hours, ranging from 2.9 to 3.6 in magnitude.
Second, and far more important: I felt one of them.
|It's 2015, gotta start weaving in those Back to the |
Future II references whenever possible.
Still, the point is: Holy shit I was in an earthquake I actually felt the fucking Earth tremble beneath my feet as if maybe it was about to stop spinning in its orbit and just collapse into a pile of space-rubble.
|So much for the Cowboys making the playoffs.|
Yet it can, and it does. And we all know how and why earthquakes happen. You know, uh, tectonic plates and physics and stuff. Yeah. Basic science.
|As I understand it, the Earth is a series of tubes.|
There's a popular theory that says fracking - the process of injecting pressurized water and chemicals into subterranean rock to release natural gas deposits - has caused the ground beneath us to become unstable. Hence, the sudden recent onslaught of temblors. This is a pretty obvious conclusion, since the oil and gas industry is EVIL, EVIL, EVIL.
|By the way, my car (Benedict Cumberhatch) runs on unicorn farts |
and the dreams of fangirls everywhere.
I think the anti-frackers are on the right track, but I don't think they go far enough to explain just how fracking and Texas earthquakes are related. Fortunately, I have a theory that ties up all the loose ends.
Because of course I do.
Here's the thing. Everyone knows that once something is interred in the Earth, that ground becomes sacred. You don't mess with graves, man. We've all seen Poltergeist; we know what happens when you mess with an Indian burial ground.
|Pretty soon you're desperately seeking a tiny badass woman to come and|
cleanse your house of evil clowns.
Goddamn dinosaurs, that's what.
|Just another day in prehistoric Fort Worth.|
They've been dead a long time, so it's taking them a while to get good and riled up. That's why our earthquakes have been in the lower range of the Richter scale.
But how long do you think that's going to last, people?
|Also, they know there's a new Jurassic Park movie coming out,|
and dinosaurs are masters of public relations.
But here in Texas, we've brought our problems on ourselves. We've incurred the wrath of thousands, perhaps millions of ghostasauruses. Two dollar a gallon gas is great until you're bitten in half by a spectral T-Rex. And that day is coming, people.
Today was just a foretaste. The real apocalypse is coming.
|As foretold in the Chronicles of Barney.|
Y'all better be noivus.