Let Your Purity Flag Fly

Purity balls. Have you heard about this bullshit?

Pictured: Millions of dollars
in future psychotherapy bills.

America's evangelical Christians have found a new way to pervert the word of God to an extreme that even the most brainwashed Islamic fundamentalist would quietly back away from.

Here's the pitch: Let's put pre-pubescent girls in bridal gowns and have them ceremonially place their virginity in the care of their fathers, who then marry them.

Sometimes a cigar is just...
no, wait, that's sick, you fuckers.

No exaggeration, Drunkards: little girls are attending formal dances in which they promise to stay "pure" until marriage and agree that their daddies are the "high priest" of their lives. Then said daddies place a ring on the little girls' wedding-ring finger and dance with them while they are dressed as a bride and groom. In God's name, of course.

Who better to teach a little girl what an evil boner is
than Dear Old Dad, right?

For the benefit of my non-American readers, I would like to point out that this is not an "American" thing. This isn't like watching the Super Bowl or buying "off-road" vehicles that will never leave the suburbs or eating "healthy" sub sandwiches laden with Fritos.

Endorsed by Olympic athletes
and cardiologists.

This is a tiny slice of overly-caffeinated douchebags who simply can't accept that all Jesus wanted was for us to love and care for each other. They can't conceive of a God who could be powerful enough to create the entire damn universe and not be a total power-hungry dick about it. Theirs is a God of arbitrary rules and real control-freak issues, and it is in that God's name they live their lives.

These are people who see that the world is full of injustice, inequality, loveless relationships, and unwanted children, and decide the root of all these evils is that women are whores.

Righteous creatures simply don't have
sinfully tapered ankles like that.

 And so, rather than teach young men that it is their responsibility as the "superior" sex to exercise restraint and respect when it comes to dealing with their female counterparts, instead it falls to grown men to protect the rugged sensibilities of the next generation. This is accomplished by teaching their daughters that their feminine wiles are an evil commodity to be contained through suppression. Also, little girls should marry their fathers because oh hell, why not?

Damn, you're purty.
I mean, I love you, my slut.
Daughter! Is totally what I  meant.

Needless to say, my Precocious Daughter will not be attending one of these events. For one thing, her father would think it was completely ludicrous, to his credit. For another, my life's mission as PDaughter grows up is to impress upon her that no aspect of her life - not her sexuality, not her intelligence, not her sense of humor or talent or taste in clothes - belongs to anyone except herself. And that, as important as it is for her keep any promises she makes to others, it's most important that she makes and keeps promises to herself.

Also, no so-called church that would engage in these ridiculous purity balls would let me anywhere near being a member, lest its snakes die of a pox or something.

But mostly, I want my little girl to understand that sex can be awesome - really, really awesome - but it has consequences. And it can be used in bad ways. And it is not love, or commitment, or security or maturity, regardless of what anyone might tell her. It's also not the opposite of purity or goodness.

In other words, there is so much more a young woman (or man) needs to know about sex than can be conveyed by a trite and sort of creepy ceremony. Just as a wedding ceremony doesn't make a marriage, a fake wedding ceremony doesn't teach a mature and appropriate approach to sex. And pretending to marry your daddy doesn't prepare you to be a self-respecting woman who can make her own choices.

Praise the Lord, I scored me some twins.

And by the way, while these fruitcakes are spiritually hooking up with their daughters, who's telling their sons to keep it in their pants or their hands until the right woman comes along?

Talk about needing some purity in their balls. We should be demanding that young men commit themselves to their God and their momma, am I right?

It worked out great for Norman Bates.