|Some people probably moaned twice.|
|The Lord moves in mysterious ways, man.|
|I don't even want to think about the far-reaching implications.|
Hostess Brands owns Dolly Madison.
And Dolly Madison makes Zingers.
And when Hostess goes out of business, it stops making Zingers.
Surely you remember when I wrote about Zingers in this very space. (And if you don't, click on that link and read about it, because it was a pretty good post and also I could use the pageviews.)
I love Zingers. I love peeling the layer of frosting off the tiny little cake and saving it for last. I love how they come in threes, as all good things do.
(I also would have accepted Robert Downey Jr.,
Johnny Depp and the Old Spice Guy. Gratefully.)
So all the news bites are about Twinkies, because they're all iconic and shit. But let's have a moment of silence for Zingers.
And Hostess Donettes! Oh my God, we're losing them, too! And freaking Wonder Bread! What will America make its sandwiches out of now, besides the other 52,412 brands of bread on the market, all of which are probably tastier and healthier than Wonder Bread, but not, you know, emblematic of an era?
Not so much HoHo's, though. I prefer Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, and HoHo's lost me when they stopped coming individually wrapped in foil.
|Naked Ho-Ho's. Cue porn music.|
I'm bereft. I...I need a minute here.
|Do you think he knew this was coming?|
Now look, the odds are huge that other companies will snap up Hostess and its associated brands, and Zingers will once again roam the plains of this great nation. America without Hostess is like Gaza without bombs raining down on it - it can't go on for long.
But you know, we're healing from a long and brutal election cycle, and people in the Northeast are still reeling from the superstorm, and the CIA is directorless because of David Petraeus' wandering pecker, and the economy is still kind of in the dumps. We need a problem that exists on a level we can actually get our arms around and deal with. Like empty snack-cake shelves.
Twinkies are a metaphor for uncertain times and tumultuous change, is what I'm saying.
Also, no more Lemon Fruit Pies. I don't think I can go on.
Excuse me, but I have to go be the voice of change now. I'm going to occupy my local Target and see if they have any Hostess Cupcakes left.