Beloved Spouse is feeling down about his continuing recovery from surgery. He's in glass-half-empty mode; instead of seeing that he was promptly diagnosed, had an excellent surgeon who performed a flawless operation, and has received caring support from a wife and daughter who love him very much, he sees a cruel world that afflicted him with a medical condition that has left him with lingering (albeit temporary) discomfort and disability. And what possible use is stupid love against intermittent mild pain?
|The turkey's a little dry! Whyyyyyyy?|
See? They're wonderfully, depressingly entertaining. And so I'm having a bit of a wallow in the self-pity pool right now.
|Who am I kidding? I'll never be able to |
wallow like a black rhino. That bastard's good.
|Bacchus may have been a god, but he was still fat, |
immature, and had baste in headgear.
But still, right now, today, I'm feeling a little mopey.
Or I was, until I found something that cheered me right the crap up. Had me laughing out loud, in fact. And it felt so good I had to share it.
Oh, Fox News. I should have known I could count on you to make me spit coffee out my nose.
Now, I know that as you're looking at that headline, you're having one of two thoughts: "That's not funny, it's incredibly depressing" or "Yeeeeeeee-haw! Dayum straight!" followed by several celebratory gunshots being fired randomly into the air as is our God-given right. Either way, where is the humor in that?
To which I say: Are you kidding? It's oozing out of every line of this story by Kevin McCullough, who is some kind of conservative pundit. I never heard of him; the only conservative pundit I follow is Stephen Colbert, but this guy is just as funny. For example, the title of his article is "Five Reasons Why I Believe Texas Governor Rick Perry Will Be Our President in 2013" (hilarious enough by itself), but the actual topic is...Kevin McCullough. Specifically, his "new best selling book, No He Can't: How Barack Obama is Dismantling Hope and Change," which he mentions way before he ever gets around to talking about, uh, that dude in Texas and oh by the way did you hear my appearance on the nationally syndicated Mancow Radio Experience?
But when he does get around to discussing the guy the headline writer named as the actual star of the piece (who I'm sure will be fired for his error), McCullough just lays on the comedy gold. Like when he says that Gov. Dick Perry (as I call him because we's tight) has created a ton of jobs in Texas. And if you don't live in Texas or have access to U.S. Department of Labor Bureau of Labor Statistics data, that sounds pretty good and not at all chucke-worthy. If you didn't know that in the last three years Texas's labor force has grown by 660,000 people, while the number of employed people has grown by only 240,000, you wouldn't get the humor in McCullough's assertion that the man who oversaw that "growth" should become our next President.
|He could do this for America!|
I actually had a chance to hear Gov. Perry speak in person a few months ago. His allotted topic was green energy technology, but the substance of his remarks was "The government is so retarded, hey?" According to Dick, Texas is too bitchin' to have to meet clean air standards, achieve educational targets, contribute to federal transportation programs, or pledge allegiance to the flag it grudgingly displays alongside the flag of the Once and Future Republic of Texas. So when McCullough says Gov. Perry should run for President of the United States, and thereby head a federal government for which he expresses nothing but contempt on a regular basis, it's a laff riot.
|That's the same thing as a laff riot, right?|
Anyway, when McCullough says that Gov. Perry will "bring together the conservatives," it's very ironic. The irony is that Gov. Perry will spout a bewidlering array of random and poorly-thought-out positions, and that theoretically will convince the diverse and fractured conservative constituency of the United States that he stands on a solid conservative platform. If that platform was strewn with banana peels and whoopee cushions it couldn't be any funnier.
All in all, I'm grateful to Kevin "Hey, I Wrote a Book" McCullough for penning this piece for Fox News. I so needed a good laugh. I also needed to feel better about myself as a writer, and it certainly has done that. I wonder if McCullough ever writes about whiny husbands or booze? Man, that would make my day.