Simple Rules of Grammar

It's National Grammar Day!  Hey, your grammar stinks!  That statement doesn't apply to 5% of you, but the rest of you:  Hey, your grammar stinks! 

But it's easy to transform incorrect usage into clear, correct English.  Just follow these simple examples: 

INCORRECT
Whataburger tagline:  "Just like you like it."
CORRECT
"Our cheap greasy deathburgers will kill you in nearly unlimited configurations."

INCORRECT
Victoria's Secret bra ad:  "There's 5 ways to be incredible."
CORRECT
"If our models would eat once in a while, they wouldn't need a fancy bra to give them cleavage."

INCORRECT
Hundreds of diet product ads:  "Less calories"
CORRECT
"A quart of sugar-free ice cream is not a serving."

INCORRECT
Facebook quiz:  "What Harry Potter character are you?"
CORRECT
"I feel no urgent need to become a productive member of society."

INCORRECT
"Star Trek" intro: "...to boldly go where no man has gone before."
CORRECT
"In the future, young men with $6 haircuts will live in their parents' basement until they are 35."

INCORRECT
Tutoring service advertisement: "Help your child reach their full potential."
CORRECT
"Please recommend this service to everyone whose children will be competing against my child for scholarship money."

INCORRECT
Sign at roadside fruit stand:  "WATERMELON'S AND STRAWBERRY'S"
CORRECT
"If you want brain food, eat fish."

INCORRECT
Print ad for History Channel documentary:  "The pilgrims are worth a lot more then a turkey dinner."
CORRECT
"If they can't speak the language, we shouldn't let them into the country."

INCORRECT
Printed on Outback Steakhouse receipt: "Live Adventurous."
CORRECT
"Would you like a defibrillator with that Bloomin' Onion?"

INCORRECT
Anderson Cooper talking about past injustices:  "Irish immigrants didn't feel the same walking past storefronts with signs reading 'No Irish need not apply.'"
CORRECT
"My great-great-great-grandfather Cornelius Vanderbilt sure did kill a lot of Irishmen building the railroads, didn't he? Hoo boy!"

INCORRECT
Consultant on a conference call:  "We'll notate the sites after they're scorecarded."
CORRECT
"Bullshit is expensive."

INCORRECT
Posting on web development forum:  "Advertising Consultant needs ALOT of help!"
CORRECT
"I have absolutely nothing to contribute to society."

INCORRECT
Article on socialmedia.com about bad grammar: "But, what if you use bad grammar consistently?"
CORRECT
"Man, I don't even know when I'm being ironic any more."