Resolved

It's a little late in the game to be making New Year's resolutions.  We're 10 days into 2011, and I've already done a number of things I could have resolved not to do - e.g., drinking - and not done several things I could have resolved to do, like working out every day, or even every week.  Those items are off the table, resolution-wise.  Pretty clever of me, when you think about it.

Still, while the year is not quite as new as it was on or about January 1, I see that as an opportunity to make more informed choices about the resolutions I do undertake.  I have 10 days' experience with commitments I'm not likely to stick to for an entire year.  For instance, I already know, based on events so far, that promising to keep my house spotless is not likely to bear fruit (although it could result in some interesting microbial growth behind the toilet).   

By the way, when it comes to resolutions, I think it's pointless to resolve to not do something, or stop doing it, or do X amount less of it. Everyone knows you can't prove a negative (here's what happens when you try to prove that the statement itself a provable negative), and making a resolution framed this way is essentially trying to prove that you can achieve not doing something. Quick: Don't think of an elephant. See? It's pointless, especially if the elephant is wearing a suit and a pince-nez.

But I digress.  I've given this at least 20 minutes of thought, and I've come up with a list of New Year's resolutions with teeth.  These are things I can do, and I honestly believe I will be a better person for having accomplished them.  Feel free to adapt this list for your own use. 

1. I will transfer money into a savings account each month.  The deadline:  Starting now.  The specifics:  As much as I can spare, even if it's only $25.  How this will make me a better person:  Immediately transferring it back into checking because I need to pay the cell-phone bill will keep my technology skills sharp.

2.  I will eat raw cookie dough.  The deadline:  By January 31.  The specifics:  Chcolate-chip, or the kind with little peanut butter cups in it.  How this will make me a better person:  Hands sticky with cookie dough cannot easily wield a weapon.  Also, there will likely be more of me to love.

3.  I will design a new kitchen.  The deadline: By March 31.  The specifics:  A complete transformation of the existing space, including appliances, cabinets, and countertops.  How this will make me a better person:  I will learn to graciously accept that there is no way in hell I'm shelling out $40,000 on a new kitchen.

4.  I will pay off a loan I took out five years ago.  The deadline:  June 30.  The specifics:  Back then, I foolishly believed that a "debt consolidation" loan would actually do just that.  How this will make me a better person:  I don't care, I just want the money.

5. I will freak out when my daughter starts middle school.  The deadline:  August 30.  The specifics:  Barring a sudden academic meltdown, she'll be an attitude-spouting, eye-rolling sixth grader this fall.  How this will make me a better person:  What goes around, comes around.  Karma builds character.

6.   I will lose 10 pounds.  The deadline:  October 31.  The specifics:  Gross, not net.  I plan to lose the same pound 10 times.  How this will make me a better person:  Claiming success without having anything to show for it will help prepare me for a future political career.

7.  I will live through some kind of unforeseen, gobsmackifying twist of fate.  The deadline:  December 31 (or any time between now and then).  The specifics:  That would tend to defeat the purpose.  How this will make me a better person:  Beats the hell out of the alternative.